January is tough,

Not gonna lie. First two weeks were pretty overwhelming. I have never really felt what I am feeling right now - a mixture of all feelings.

Confused. Angry (a few days back). Frustrated. Demotivated. Melancholy. Tiring. Hopeless. Moodless. Anxious. Easily sensitive. Stressed. Missing people. Worries. Messed up. Overthinking. All over the place. Heartbroken (of hearing a few sad stories). Mindbroken. Physically damaged (zits, zits everywhere!). Biologically haywire (not sick or anything, just irregular menses). Emotionally challenged. Mentally numb. Stuck. Lack of interest in socialising. Feels like shutting myself out of the world.

Basically I am just not feeling myself, at all. And it sucks. So so much.

I remember January started off with continuous downpour. I figured it must be God's blessing for the general sad 2020 that happened so during the first week, weather has been the chilliest, most likely the best weather I've ever experienced in a country with equatorial climate.

2021 started off pretty well but as the days go by, I started to feel all kinds of feelings in accumulation, each day. I am usually not easily affected and it takes me a while to ward off such negativity and toxicity but I think I was feeling a bit too overwhelmed at some point which I don't know why..

Maybe too much happenings/stressors at a time?

Let's see..

    I remember contemplating whether to take the covid-19 vaccine as there were some reported side effects that wasn't great to hear. (you may think that I'm silly to even contemplate about it as others who want to secure the vaccine badly don't even have the chance to choose) But then again, if I don't take the vaccine, chances of me going back home/travel again would be very slim so I have no other choice.

...

    Recently, my homecountry is undergoing lockdown 2.0 which they called it MCO 2.0. Good for them actually, but for the leaders to finally announce and implement lockdown after so many thousands cases that spike daily and exhausting my fellow healthcare friends who all work so tirelessly at the hospital everyday -actually made me furious. I've been hearing my best friend telling me how bad the situation is in the hospital, patients are deteriorating quickly, beds in ICU are running out. And people are still FREAKING GOING OUT WITHOUT MASK and do not adhere to the SOP, how is that not frustrating you tell me?!

With all the political dramas that happened during the pandemic, my country is pretty messed up currently, governed by leaders who strangely we did not vote for and with all the "State of Emergency" taking place suddenly.. I'm wordless, man.

Last week,

a patient's dad/ me

Are you Malaysian?
Yes I am, sir. Are you?
Yes I am. My wife and I are Malaysians. I'm sad to hear on what happened to Malaysia currently.. Malaysia is such a beautiful country, rich with nature and good food! It is truly a heaven.. but look at what happened now..

I hear you, sir.. It's truly saddening to know the country we loved is experiencing a hard time right now. :(

Both sighed.

....

A lot of you asked me,

"When are you coming back?"

"Are you coming back for CNY?"

Looking at the situation, how can I head back? That's the saddest question which I WISH I can give an answer to.

Anyhoo, don't take it so lightly and don't think the virus is nothing, my fellow Malaysians. You may not know the consequences of this pandemic until it hits you. Until it attacks every of your lung cells, until you experience the extreme shortness of breath to the point you need a machine to help you to breathe, or worse you need medicines and machines to help your lungs, heart, and kidneys to function. Trust me, I had been there nursing patients like that in full PPEs and that sight is heartaching. And your family members cannot come to visit you, touch you, be there with you if anything happens to you when you're hospitalised and isolated in isolation rooms. It's really really sad.

So please. Please just stay at home, work from home, travel out for groceries when it is really necessary, wear your face masks, practise social distance and practise good hand hygiene. Please don't be negligent about it.

....

    Work has been great thus far, not complaining but sometimes I feel demotivated to go to work. I've been working and working- non stop for the past one year, only took one week of AL last year, keeping the rest of the leaves for this year, hoping I could utilise them to visit home.

Don't get me wrong, I enjoy what I do daily. I enjoy nursing and helping patients with my knowledge and skills but just sometimes it feels tiring. It feels like I haven't really taken a proper break, pampering myself, travelling (the best I did was to travel within Singapore) and adding on to missing family and homecooked food I guess that explains..

Generally, I would say.. above mentioned feelings are no big deal. Really.

Just not too sure what happened to my brain and mind that I suddenly undergo all of them at one shot, feels like I'm intoxicated with so many things and I'm learning to cope and go through day by day, hoping to feel better and chirpier.

It's so important to stand strong with my values/directions and stay focused but I have to be honest, it is so so hard. ugh.

Let's take one day at a time, make peace, let go whatever that bothers and not to be too hard on yourself. 

Time to plan what to do on your coming off days and potential annual leave days, PK.

Remember, 

"you may not be easy today but you're not going to be difficult forever."

Hang in there! 💪❤️

Frust-

In this house of five, everybody has a role. Unity and harmony will not appear by its own without significant effort by each of them. 

What frustrates her the most is, everyone (except the youngest) loves to display egoistic character no matter what occasion. Together with stubborn trait that is glued in them, how to come together as one, you tell me?

Every single year. she has to deal with this nonsensical (can be solved) matter. Every 365 days she has to hear and bear with heart stabbing questions and answers. And for 16 years she has to overcome all sorts of negative comments, smirks, sarcasms, and hateful intentions from people about her loved ones.

Seriously, guys. Stop it.

The youngest one is tired.
Tired of being the centre of communication for everyone. She is tired of passing the message around, feeling frustrated with the answers (some times) and she has to channel the message to the person who asked the question, leading to even more frustration on both sides. 


The youngest one is helpless.
Sometimes she doesn't know what to do to help to improve the situation. Talk it out? She tried but it was pointless. And she has no one to express the matter to. Because no matter how much she express, the person she expresses to can only listen, cannot help much.


The youngest one wants to be appreciative but is too sad to do so, sometimes.
It is really hard to be grateful especially when you are upset. Sometimes she thought, "if someone does not appreciate your move/action, why do you have to be the one who initiates/do so much every single time? Why must you let your heart hurt even more?"


The youngest one has learnt to be selfish.
Selfish, in this situation means, she has learnt to love herself more than everybody else, to the point that she cares less of people's welfare, etc. Because she thinks that if she waits for people to make herself happy, her heart has already died a thousand million times.
Besides, she even thought of escaping and have an independent life as soon as she can to be freed from all these.
Selfish, selfish but she just can't help it.


The youngest one feels less inspired lately.
Don't know why, (maybe it was due to the recent heavy workload of assignments) she felt less inspired than usual, rant more than usual and feel less positive than usual. But she is glad to come across Dr. Mike's twitter account, which he posted quite a number of positive quotes either from himself or from the internet, it actually comforted her, a lot. Thank you, Dr. :)


Worry not, the youngest child just feels a little down lately, just need a little space to type it all out, not to brag to the whole world of what she is encountering. 
She will be back stronger, feeling more inspired and more positive after this.


She just hopes everything will be okay. 
Strength! 💪


xx

Ironic

Just when you're about to start studying, there will be people telling you..

"Don't stress yourself up! Chill!!!"

or..

"What? You're studying? Chill weyh I haven't even start a thing!"

=__=

Just when you're about to enjoy yourself, have a good relaxing time after revision, there will be people telling you..

"You post a lot of photos huh. So happening, looks like you're enjoying yourself" sarcastically

or..

"Study hard"

or..

"No need to study is it?"

with that kind of tone like I procrastinate every single day, every single minute.

=_____=

..............................

Just to point out ; posting photos/sharing photos/posting statuses does not mean that I don't study at all yeah? Similarly, always hang out with books does not mean I don't chill and relax myself yeah?
AND
Posting a lot of positive quotes/words/sayings does not mean I'm happy all the time without frustration or sadness yeah?
Everybody has their own way of studying (their ass off) as well as releasing their stress.

People often say that posting positive stuffs/sending positive stuffs to people will create a positive outcome, that's why I hardly rant online (except at Twitter, sometimes if I'm too stressed up :P Poor followers). At times, it's very annoying that I just have to point them all out HERE to make things clear.

Still going to be myself anyhoo. Thanks for giving me the pressure, but I think that it's good to feel the stress for the good reasons, not the bad ones.

I'm not taking these personally and definitely not letting all these to bring me down!
Good day, peopleeee :)

All Mixed Up,

Clueless,
Undecided,
Confused,
Failling,
Helpless,
Weak,
Aimless,
Discourage,
Being controlled,
Low confidence,
Low self-esteem,
Useless,
Upset,
Dissapointed,

It's a cycle, I believe. These mixed up feelings never stop haunting me like a ghost.
Sometimes, I really don't know whom I can seek for advice, comfort, and wise words. I in all my heart, don't wish to trouble anyone but gahh.

It's killing me.

Why can't I just be better when it comes to deciding my own pathway of life?
Why can't I just be brave enough to stand up for myself?

I'm not deaf, blind nor a handicapped person. I know what's right, what's wrong.

I don't wanna lose myself.
Sigh, I'm afraid.

"No one can change you, but yourself."


-written on the day before yesterday.

The 8th day ;

EXACTLY. It's the 8th day of February.
Gulp hard. Real hard.

...
Y'know, everything is so uncertain. Plans, dreams, future.
Nothing can change the fact of the past, done means DONE. Either learn from it, get over with it or ditch it. It sucks when everything feels uncertain. It's like having to walk on a road with many junctions but you don't know which road to choose or worse still, you don't know how to continue walking until you sat right at the centre of the junction, pondering. Guess that's life, isn't it? Full of decisions to make, full of considerations to take.
It sucks. It really really sucks.

If god were there to grant me a few wishes, I want to be blessed with a good study life, good working life, good love life, good family life and a healthy, happy life. That's all.
I don't need any luxurious, branded items, grand bungalows or even a wealthy husband, I just want those simplicities that I mentioned.

I really dislike uncertainties, it often makes me think a lot of what ifs and what nots. What if the results is not what I expected? What if they don't offer or accept my applications? What if I can't get to study what I want? 

#nowplaying : You've gotta get up and try try try.

CNY is coming, I don't feel the mood, at all despite all the cheery songs playing all over the radio/TV commercials/in shopping malls. My sister is married, my bro had decided to celebrate it at China this year, left me alone with my parents. :l
I secretly wish that it is not going to be as bad as I thought. Keeping my fingers cross now.

Sometimes when you have 24 hour a day, you spend 10 hours sleeping, 3 hours eating, 4 hours chillaxing, 2 hours reading, 5 hours doing one thing. This, I'm gonna say is by far the worse time planning that I will ever come across if this is happening to myself. Such unproductive day, doing mostly nothing. Oh well, I am always reminded by the elder ones, time is precious. Treasure it well or not you'll sure regret wasting it.

"Stay strong".This is what people always say.


Neway, I am turning twenty soon. Say yay or nay?

Hai-po-free-eh-nee-ah ;

I honestly would like to compliment the person for creating such a word, which oxford dictionary (online) can't even define it! Kay. You're a genius, whoever-who's-creating-this.

Am not even sure whether the meaning fits the word, but it sounds cool so hypophrenia it is!

My current mood, by the way.

Well, well. *about to start some old grandmother stories

It all started yesterday, afternoon I reckon, after an announcement about having a replacement class next Saturday to be extremely precise. :(

Since I left Convent Kajang, my dear high school, I've been dying to go back there, to visit the teachers, the juniors that I've known for years but none of this is coming true because I can't go back home during weekdays, only weekends.

I've heard from the young juniors saying that they will be having a Sports Day next Saturday which I think it is a great opportunity to step back into my school compound, to look back at the place whether there's any changes, to visit back the newly-built guide's cottage and yes I miss my school's field, basketball courts, corridors, classes - everything! 

I CAN'T go back for god's sake this time yet again because I HAVE TO attend the important replacement class, I just HAVE TO. :( I even planned to have a photography shooting at every corner of my school early morning, le sigh.
Can you feel how frustrated I was when I heard the news? Can you?

Don't get me wrong. I am sincerely not blaming anyone in this case. Just a slight dissapointment that things don't go as planned.

Life.

Some friends asked : Why do you miss your high school so much? Isn't college life wayyyy cooler?

Sure, it is cool. However, I'm still proud to be one of the Convent students. The school gave me so much memories for at least ten years, which I have been studying - half staying, knowing each and every of the dark secrets and god knows I spent a decade of my life there, how can I forget so easily, you tell me.
The multiracial friends ranging from seniors to juniors that I've made though imperfect but still one of the nicest thing that had happened in my life. The dedicated teachers that brought so much laughter as well as I'm-not-going-to-say-much-but-I-assume-you-should-know-moments.

I really really miss school.

Alright, alright. Enough of the rants, I'll accept the facts and will be going with the flow.

Today.

From my past experience, learning new terms is awfully interesting but it is a nuisance sometimes when you don't get what your lecturers are actually talking about, ended up you have to further read up and do research about it. Ha. To some point, I had come to a realisation the mistake I did and that made me think back for what I did for AS. *gulp.

Sheez, am not going to mention anymore, what has passed is a past, no longer is present or future.

Mind was full of drowsiness and thoughts. Concentration during the class kinda failed the whole entire morning, I would say. Thanks to my non-sensical dream, my brain's too tired to  think of anything. Even the study plan this afternoon at the library wasn't  going as smoothly as I thought. It was exceptionally cold today, don't ask me why.
As you know, my college's library is never known for its warmness, so if you want to feel numb physically, feel free to any of the floors and allow your teeth to chatter excitingly.

For some reason, I think the cold environment is one of the reason why I am feeling moodless too. Crappy excuse? I know. (hahahhaaha in silent :P )

Some saying goes like this ;

The beginning is always the hardest. So you must never ever give up.

which is true. I've always believe that nothing in in the world comes easy and free for you. You have to battle and struggle first before you come to own all kinds of enjoyment in life.
Yeah.


It's funny when people around you shoot you a question like :
"Why you don't seem to be upset whenever I see you?"


Whaaaaat a joke. Truth to be told, I never really show my depressing face unless I am very deeply emotional due to a somewhat relevant-epic-sad-reason, the worse I could go is just stay silent for the whole day, of not talking or trying to talk or laugh even at the lamest joke or even bother to listen to any juicy gossips/stories, appearing to be very tired, wanting to sleep away all the depression.
But most of the time, I pretended that nothing was wrong, telling self that it's okay for multimillion times, smiling all day just to kill the mini sad moments I had.
Spreading bad moods to friends is what I hate to do and it's a totally no-no for me to see friends upset because of my present negative feelings.


Of course, at certain situations, I do seek for friends that I trusted to share my feelings and also to ask for opinions. :) Warning first : I don't go for suicide or is stupid enough to take any pills just to calm myself down. Hell no.


So, don't worry. I was just having a moodless day, not emotional definitely.
A perfectly well defined term : A feeling of sadness seemingly without a cause. There you go.


(cheered up mood) :)

Now may you please allow me to laugh at this one?


xD

Hiatus #1 ;

Have no better picture to describe my mood hence this. (after 10 minutes of searching at weheartit.com)
To some point, problems never stop coming in as we grow. Many things are supposed to be handleable at certain age. Thinkings have got to be matured, decisions have got to be wise.

I can say, that I'm a failure to all mentioned above.


Lack of seriousness, unable to express one's message properly, not focusing in a talk, being not alert and cautious enough, zero plans, unsure of what you're doing or even thinking, slow, unambitious, lazy, useless and probably hopeless.


It hurts, to get so much scoldings, for such childish matters. It hurts, to see anger was raised for some unnecessary mistakes made .


You should have grown up, girl.


In reality, words are easy to mutter, action on the other hand is another case.




So I am putting everything on hold now. I'll be back with a changed self, with plans, bringing back an organised mind.

Meanwhile, the mean stare of yours will be remembered for the rest of my life.
Afterall, thanks to you, my EQ and patience has expanded to a limit that you would have never imagined.


Love you,
xx

Don't leave me alone ;

Empty. Soulless. Missed.

I'm tired.
I'm tired of working hard.
I'm tired of seeing myself accelerating slowly.
I'm tired of being positive.

I'm tired of reorganising and failing plans.
I'm tired of pleasing others.
I'm tired of saying nevermind.
I'm tired of self-motivating.

I'm tired of constantly telling myself not to give up.
I'm tired of distraction.

I'm tired of life.
I'm tired of. . . just being tired.

Background music : Never Grow Up by Taylor Swift.

LIFE has never been good when it comes to studies. I almost lose myself due to the low-stress-limit that I have within my poor soul. My sleeping cycle is wonderfully out of anyone's mind if you think taking a few hours of nap only at dawn is insane. How did I replace back the rest hours then? Simple ; by climbing up to the most top floor of the library, pick a favourite colour desk and doze off. That easy.

Scary to be me sometimes. You can never imagine the overflow of exhausted-ness over my head.

Le sigh. *sink on the floor

...........................................................................................................

On a brighter note, this site will be renovated slowly. In other words, it will transform into a newly-improved page which you might feel weird as you refresh this page weekly. Don't be suprised if you find it strange-looking once you click the refresh button at the right time. :)

It's time for a matured-looking blog!

Oh-nay-nay.

They said ,

Picture from ;

Of all the searched photos, I found this, which truly describes my current, up-to-date mood. It feels sucks, actually.

Not because of exam, (well it does partly related to that) but it's rather about.. a question.

A question, which was being issued by a friend of mine to a lecturer,

Q : Will you choose talents? or.. hardwork?

A : HARDWORK.
(with no hesitation in his voice.)

Really?

Is that just all?

But why I don't seem to be seeing any of this happening in my life? 

Am I being too impatient?

Probably.

Yes, I'm answering this to myself, just to do some self-reminder, before I go from upset to.. depressed.

Picture from ;

Perhaps, it's not enough. Perhaps, I have been too unwilling to wait. Or perhaps, my speed isn't there to fight with time, yet.

You know, the very important test, this time which I shall name it as trials, for short, is extremely important to me all of us, where THIS trials can determine where we actually stand and how far are we from the grades.

To stand beside A's?

It's hard. Really really hard.

Apart of being worried, I've lost some sense of believe and faith a few hours ago. All of my doubts came rushing and messed me up. How in the world can I study not for exam but for myself?

I've gone from normal to a steady stress level to a complete berserk mode during these last-minute-studies.

Being the good child, I've set a discipline plan for self by not tweeting nor facebooking, to avoid these addictive-distractions and also to stay away from the cyberworld unless I really really need it for urgent cases like assignments. :(

BUT THIS does not indicates that I hold my book where-when-ever I go, memorising facts, studying like a geek. No way,

I do sing. I sleep. I eat. I play. I even daydream for most of the time. Because.. I am a human being too!

Now, who has the dare to say that I go for 24/7 study when I do not appear online? Screw you if that thought has ever came across your mind. :(

I could have listed the negative impacts of exams on human beings, physically, mentally as well as emotionally aspects here, one by one but trust me, it is pointless.

Picture from ;

Replace the phrases "do you keep crying" to "are you being sad".

Regret? 

I can't. It has been a mistake that can't be undone, once again. Soon, all these will be compiled into somewhat called helpful lessons for me to become better later on.

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

I hate being the sooooo unlike-self, who is soooooooooooo emotional to the life I'm having right now.

As Mr. L's current status was about,

"On call 47 days for AS."

Yes, now I'm very aware of that, sir. Thank you for the reminder, and thank you for not stopping to give me that kind of hate-able stares which I really really feel upset about whenever I see you.

.......

As time passes by slowly, I've learnt that things are not meant to be taken too seriously. Be satisfied if you have done your best in trying every single thing in life, and that does not exclude the questions in exam no matter how long it takes. As long as there is some effort being poured, you know that you're on the finishing road, but not reaching your destination just yet.

The being-open-minded mindset within me has evolved slowly from a point of view, to another. It doesn't have to be tolerant only to opinions, it also can be applicable in receiving flaws? or simply the mistakes that human beings made in life.

Just two hours ago, I've done watching a movie called,

which I would rate it 3.0/5.0. 

All I can comment is it is just another average, romance movie. A little bit boring but the sense of humour got me til the end.

What caught my attention was sayings like .. .. .... 

1) I have loved her even when I've hated her. 

Only married couples will understand that one.

2) But I can promise you this : 

I will never stop trying.

At least,

I'm feeling so so so much better after all these words being all typed here. Is self-motivating-case like this scaring you? Tell me bout it. (I hope it's not).

That's pretty much the way I release my moodless feeling, not to any person via phone/text/MMS/videocalls/skype/facebook but to a non-living site of mine, here.

Truly sorry if you've spent your precious time and energy reading all these crappy thoughts.

Meanwhile, I'll be having Chemistry Paper 1 tomorrow afternoon and Physic Paper 1 the day after. Am not exactly sure whether I'll ace them or screw them. But most probably it will be the second choice if luck is not on my side.

Just.. .. .. wish me luck?

I am a busy queen ;

For real.

Greetings, readers. I'm here to post some updates about my current life and hope this will not bored you to death if yes please get out of here or to be polite, do click the (X) sign in red at the above RIGHT of this page.

Note taken?

Thank you. :)

So you know, my brother has got himself a beautiful China wife, as stated. 

WELL CONGRATULATION BRO. 

Please get me a baby boy or girl to cuddle with, SOON :P

Life has been super hectic and busy for me! From day one I started my college life for semester one until the end of the day of 2011, even after the New Year. The word "bored" simply can't come out from my mouth as my time is fully occupied 24 hours, daily. 

Yeh, that includes sleeping, eating, walking, travelling, laughing, and so so on.

It was really pathetic to see no new year resolutions being posted here like how I used to do it yearly. 

No, I did not forget to have plans, I just simply don't have the sweet time to blog them out.

Serious.

Well, maybe by this weekend, I hope. You'll see a post about how I spent my new year, together with the to-do-resolutions. Nothing interesting happened but it was at least NOT very boring but somehow enjoyable. :)

If you noticed, I have *counts* THREE previous-to-be-edited-posts pending, left unwritten and uncomplete. (which I'll do it when I'm free). 

I sincerely do not want to miss anything that left a huge impact in my life, which I shall call them as memories. And these memories should be jotted down, so when I looked back,

at least I know, I had something beautiful once before in my life :)

....

The day before yesterday, I came back to hostel RELUCTANTLY, missing my room at Kajang once again. Hence, the study cycle starts again. (oh no)

 

I cleaned the room, without the presence of my roommate, trying to make the room homely and as comfy as possible, telling myself that,

"You can do nothing now but to stay strong, miss independent!"

Wednesday (yesterday) was the first day I went to college to officially start my A2 syllabus. Guess what?

The timetable as usual, is forever hateable. (I hope this word exists somehow)

Nothing's nice at all, when it comes to Wednesday's classes. I'll be having 3 EPIC continuous torturing killing science subjects lectures in the morning and ended with 2-hours-oh-sorry-but-it-is-really-boring-Moral-Education.

Picture from ;

Oh, I wanna swear.

Looking at the timetable makes me feel very tiredddd :/

On the bright side, the lecturers this semester are okay, I suppose. Nothing has really changed except for Mr. Hoo. D:
He's not going to lecture us anymore, not even tutorial or practical! D: D:
I feel sad but at the same time, I failed to be an excellent student last sem during his lectures so serve me right.

SHAKES HEAD.

FAIL, PK FAILL.

Ms. Chong (bio lecturer) has a baby girl now ;) The temporary lecturer that replaced her looked and sounded strict, yet nice. She'll do well in teaching us, I hope?

Mr. Siva is still the old man that I knew, the very nice, knowledgeable man that I respect, NEVER stop stressing us out by making an announcement ;

"We'll be having class this Saturday, you know. Hahaha (laughs alone)"

My immediate reaction was :

What the FREAK! You MUST BE kidding me, aren't you?! *wide eyes

Undeniable, it is a fact. School replacement this Saturday, slap my face please!

All my plans to have a very last time spending one night with grandma, and my Aussie family failed miserably.

GAHHHHHHH. *murders

"There will be exams after the Chinese New Year holidays, which is around February" said the lecturer.

(-____-)

Worse still, I just got to know that I'll have only THREE days of Chinese New Year holidays this effing awesome year. Great news for everyone, I can't hang out with my high school friends anymore.

*trying to chill-self*

The feeling of stress on the first day of college absolutely SUCKS! Although meeting back the people are such a pleasure, but all these shits are really really. . . . . . . depressing :/

Exams are everywhere, I have no idea whether how am I going to cope with my studies this time. *sigh

I need strength, a motivation to make me say,

"Hell, I CAN DO IT. 

I CAN'T SAY I CAN'T BECAUSE I CAN".

Back to the point, time management is still the issue/problem that most of us are having now. Being able to differentiate the entertainment and serious-ness clearly is pretty tough once procrastination has attacked your soul before. Whether or not you're going to be a great student or lazy-ass student this time, it all depends on you, PK.

Work hard for it. 

Please, for your better future.

You know, every minutes that has passed did scare me when I'm typing all this. Heart was pounding real hard when the it was twelve. Nervous sweats were dropping one by one when I heard the non-stop tickling sounds.

Time killed mentally.

....

Anyway, it will be my very last family gathering tomorrow at Kajang. I'll be going back home to meet them after my class. This will be the real farewell and I'll miss everybody which I'm very sure of that. (sad)

Now let me end this post with this ;

Picture from ;

"Do not allow the stress to control you. Control the stress instead."

Signing off ;

Mr Chong said ;

 "I do not like Physic, but I LOVE Physic."

We ended the tutorial class last Friday with loads of words of wisdoms by him. He's still the first Mr. Chong that I know, never stop motivating us, encourage us though the number of people who are taking Physics are dropping badly.

He's sad, curious, and wonder if Physics is really a killer subject.

No it's not. It's not even a murderer, just that many of us I can't get the concept and is not able to solve it with my Mathematical abilities which is.. .. .. not so good.

Gahh. 

"The exam paper was so easy and are form-5-like-questions. Why can't you all answer them?? (scratch head)"

Ouch. Sir, my A- for SPM Physics was a fake one.

"Class, you all are ABCD students, but why you all do not act like one?" (laughs)

Triple ouch. For that statement, I felt extremely guilty. Gosh, why am I even sorted in those classes.

Why oh why.. that my seniors and friends who study the same course as me can excel even in their tests, not to mention the real exam but why not me.

Why can they enjoy their college life and score for their subjects but why not me.

Why oh whyyyyyyyyyyyyy.

Seriously speaking, my results suck. I feel embarassed, not pride. Don't ask me why alright. I'm so tired of answering this question.

To fullfill your satisfaction, I might as well just answer : I'm dumb. That's why.

How can I improve you tell me. HOWWWWWW.

I'm standing at the point of a progressive wave, moving up and down like a roller coaster. If I can't even survive for AS, how am I going to get some spaces to breathe for A2? :(

"You MUST do your tutorial straight every time you learn something new. Our memory will deteriorate as day passes. In that way of studying, you and your results will stay consistent, trust me"

Am I too late for that? I should priortize things that I should do, things I should not. Also, I'm not disciplined enough to refrain myself from going online. No one is going to push you, PK. You're already grown uppp!

I should have understand myself well (that I'm a slow learner), I should have started the studies earlier than anyone. I study, but I don't know how to apply in life. Oh that sucks. I make a lot of careless mistakes. I in fact is great in making unforgivable mistakes. I am not hardworking enough. I guess my self-reminder and determination is not enough strong to motivate myself to strive for the best. I stalk too much. I sigh a lot. I am acting like a kid. My optimism seems to be deeeecreasing and is not helping me at all. I feel like giving up but you know me well. I started to lose faith in what I'm doing.. I have low-self-esteem. I have no true talent (don't mention photography, I'll smack you for sure cos' everyone in the world is far more talented than me in that case) I am no good in any particular field nor aspect. (language, calculation, communication, music, art, science, application, etc) I'm good at wasting time. Best of all, I daydream a lot.

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I suck when it comes to all these negative thinkings. I seriously seriously need to be a good time divider, well planner. I need to ban procrastination. I NEED TO BE WAKE UP FROM DREAM AND BE SERIOUS.

"You must change your mindset. I told you this at the beginning of the class, didn't I? "

Yes you do, sir. I always remind my brain about it but it slowly fades away.. 

Fortunately, I do not hate Physics as how I hate it before, not only after I learn chapter Wave from Mr Hoo. He makes the whole lesson really interesting with his motion and stuffs. He's a god damn good lecturer that cannot be found else where :) But I don't seem to understand fast on what he said, cos' you know, I am NOT a quick thinker, and learner. He can't bear with my slowness, so I in turn should pace up to share the same speed as him. It's not easy, dear readers. It is not.

"Mr. Hoo is a great lecturer. He is by far more experienced than me. I taught for 12 years but he on the other way round taught for 30 over years! If I were his student, I would really enjoy learning from him"

That's undeniably true. Mr Hoo is extremely kind, soft-hearted and lovely :) I feeeeeel extremely bad when I can't answer his question most of the time :( My notes before was almost like a pile of shit.

I merely can't understand what he was teaching at all (those times when I hate Physics). At that time, I was nearly gave up, planned to drop Physics but thanks to chapter Wave and Elasticity, I found hope that I am not actually that bad in Physics. I just need practice and understanding the concept. That's all. 

 By scui3asteveo

"You all don't just study for exam. It's the knowledge that's important. You must enjoy while studying and for that, you'll remember forever, even ten years after you married."

Totally agree. Lately, since August, the trend was studystudystudystudyjustforexam. This time, I studystudystudyjustforscholarship. Godz, what izz life?

I actually hate being like that. Being pressured like crap. Being forced to study.

Hell, I am not enjoying what I have studied at all. I study for my benefit, my knowledge, my future, not for exam. Everyone should has this kind of mindset in their brain. Really.

Now, I am free from all these tension. I must tell myself, "You must know all these. These are common sense. THESE ARE YOUR FUTURE!"

"If you want to score for Physics, you must first master your Maths. Physics are all about concepts. Once you understand the concept, the only thing that you'll need to deal is, Mathematics"

When he said that, I was desperate looking for a huge hole to bury my head in. I told 'ya (that my Maths ain't good), I am re-thinking, am should I really take Physics as one of my subject?

*wonders

Chinese usually are the one who can very good results for Maths, but not me. It's miserable, I know.

I didn't even complete the tutorials and extra exercise that Mr. Lee gave. Ha, serve me right for getting such shitty results.

In spite of all the mentions above, I still have this little faith on myself. I really do :)

Once the game is not over, I'll still have lots of life to keep the game going. I have told myself in the last few posts, that I WILL BE STANDING proudly with other students, holding the A grade tightly, for all subjects of course!

I want to become the person who enjoys college life rather than studying blindly, stressfully. It's just a matter of fact whether I CAN or CANNOT divide my time properly for all these stessed life and relaxed life. (I wonder how many times have I repeated this )

I hate being looked down. I DISLIKE people giving me that look which says that I can't do it.

Few days ago, my name was being called during the lecture hall by Mr. L, my maths lecturer due to my oh-so-beautiful-careless-mistakes :/ :/

Ridiculously, he called me "Tan PK" like wtf yo. My surname is LEE not TAN.

Whatever bullcrap it was, I did not take that seriously so forget about it :) But the way he humiliated people was rather hurtful.

Later on, he showed me that kind of hand sign which tells me that "you're dead, you're dead" (TOUCHWOOD!) when I got back my paper.

I know sir. I totally suck. You don't need to add salt into the bleeding wound alright?

He started to make his comparison, then he said , "If your friend (whoever's name)  can do it, why you cannot?"

Due to enough embarassment, I didn't know what to respond to him. I just showed my fake smile, indicating that I understood and you don't need to explain further.

He's very mean sometimes (even I knew he was just joking)

The worst was he predicted those who can, and those who can't sustain their scholarship. When he pointed at me, he immediately shook his head. (HOHMYGAWD)

That's a curse, I'm sure.

Sir, I want you to get your fact straight. Listen to me, (if you happened to read this someday), I, LPK, who has the similar surname as you, will prove you wrong that I CAN FREAKING SCORE for Maths. You shall just wait patiently and observe my marks flying up bit by bit. Don't you give up on me yet, because I'll still put all my hope on you although you made fun of me (at times).

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"So in order to score Physics, your Maths must be good".

You hear that, PK. 

YOU HEAR THAT.

Don't stop believing ;

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Sometimes, I wish I am that strong, that optimistic. I've been really negative ever since January. Nothing runs smoothly as planned.

 

Results were horrible. Not below 50 but still horrible. A lecturer of mine was obviously dissapointed, so was I. How I wish I am a genius for once. How I really wish that my brain can operate as fast as lightning.. 

 

 

How I wish.. .. .. .. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

which is impossible,  I know.

Guess it's okay,  so I shall just 

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AS-exam is in another 6 more months. A-2 syllabus is coming soon, which is going to start on January 2012.

The upcoming holidays are going to spend with families, outings and other planned activities. All the time have been occupied and when can I re-study, you tell me :(

 

I need to work really really hard to score. I need to read a lot of books. I need to do a lot of research and exercise. All in all,  I NEED TO BE HARDWORKING. Nuff' said.

 

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That (sentence in the photo) is so true. That's when comparison starts to spread around.. between the genius and the less intelligent people. It hurts when people started to give you that smirk, puzzled face. It even hurts when lecturers started to mention your name and  teased you in the most sarcastic way, just to annoy you eventhough their real intention was just a silly joke.

STILL, it hurts.

I'm so tired. So tired of writing all about the exams in this diary of mine. I am tired to see so many stressful post here, I'm tired, just tired of you know.. everything.

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Either way, that's life. Nothing is avoidable and it's a fact that each of us (me) has to face. Things come and go, we should see things in an unexpected way, a different angle of life. Letting go isn't an option, it's a choice. If letting go makes you happy, why not? Somehow in some way, there's always chances. Mistakes are meant to be made, failure is definitely essential. If there's no failure, where comes the success?

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There is no point, regretting over what you did, whether it's done badly or greatly. What has done cannot be undone. Accept the outcomes with a positive mind and move on. Recorrect the flaws if there's any. Improve youself from the flaws rather than blaming the imperfections.

To be a better human being, I choose to fail.

Stand up straight, PK. Life's still pretty,

as always :)