Lost and found.

I've been wanting to pen down my long overdue thoughts for the longest time. Here I am, typing all of this on the new year's eve.

My last entry was dated on January 2021, expressing my hope for everyone to be mask free completely.

And now we are mask-less (which is already a dream come true), but only when you're in the public open space. You still need to don your mask when you're in a healthcare setting, taking public transport or encouraged to wear one when you're in indoor area.

Good news for the healthcare provider is that they have officially downgraded the cruel n95 mask to normal surgical mask as a must wear PPE in the hospital. *hoorah  

For that I'm thankful. ❤️

...

Well today's journal would be a confused, gloomy one (later on followed by happy jolly ones).
Bear with me, I need to let things out so I can think and rationalise better /well, hopefully/.

2022  has been.. I don't know how to describe but I think it's a transformative year for me. I've become someone fairly new through the smallest littlest way. The whole year swift by so fast to the point I felt like I have not done anything the entire year.

My introvert-extrovert meter has gone slightly haywired. 

Being an ambivert myself, idk why this year I tend to sway towards introversion too much to the point I became cuckoo for a while. 

It's like I rather being at home watching movies/indoor yoga rather than staying out to socialise til' late night unless you're my loved ones or close circle of friends, well then that's another story.

But truthfully speaking, I really enjoy being at home. A lot more in fact.
Resting and recuperating from life especially after a long exhausting day.

However being home too much sometimes feels like being caged. 

Hence on and off I do head out to take a breather, to see the world, to feel the extrovert self again. Yes, I need that balance. Ambivert is strange and ambivert is me. heh.

..

This long-covid normalising year makes me feel so lost at times. Lost because I used to (before 2020) have long term goals of what I want to do/achieve but those plans/goals seems to have crashed in million pieces since coronavirus took over. And now? any long term goals seems to be very scary and daunting. 

So nowadays I make short term goals and plans instead. It sounds more realistic and achievable. Also simply, life's short.

So aside from all the personal changes, I've moved to a new place at the beginning of the year! The process of looking for affordable rooms, strategic location, transport to work, accessibility to the nearest MRT, the freedom to cook, own personal space.. and with the extreme price hike due to inflation or whatever reason.. surely wasn't easy and no doubt stressful. 

But I'm so glad that I have a very kind person to look out with me hence it eased the process.

The completion of moving to a new place took roughly around 2 weeks. Mostly travelled and moved by foot and I must say it was adrenaline inducing. 

Thankfully, all is well now. I'm all good in my new comfort space! :)

Decluttering, recycling, donating, selling and giving away things I don't need have been my favourite routine now. It helps me to realise the big disadvantage of being a hoarder (although I'm not a horrible hoarder) but it does kick some sense into my brain after this experience. 

"Buy things ONLY if you need."

"Do NOT keep things just because it is nice and memorable. 

If you don't use it, give it away".

Yeap that's that.

Also I remember back in 2020-2021 I was feeling kind of gloomy on some days hence I kept myself very busy with many things so I don't feel sad. So that whole period I was really busy building myself up mostly via sports and I really didn't have time to dwell on those unnecessary sorrowful events.

Then towards the end of 2021 I felt that it's unhealthy to live like that because feelings are valid. Sadness and frustrations are all part of the feelings. Embrace them. Cry. Sob. Sigh. And that's okay.

And this year, I let myself feel all of those. 😂
Goddamnit I regret for feeling ALL of those because it sucks, haha. I let emotions took over a lot of times and I have became unwise and think a lot. Gosh, those moments were suffering. I swear it's so hard to live by sometimes. 😅 

don't worry, it's over and I'm okay!

Well to summarise, 2022 is just a whole period of me being confused and lost, finding myself through the missing bits and pieces and I can't believe I am actually experiencing this on my last year being in the 20s. /facepalm/

Too surreal.

Feels like I'm back to my teenage days lulz, maybe this is the adult version?

And with all these minor progressive changes that I'm experiencing, it trains my patience and adaptation skills even further. The outrageous adaptation towards life, work, hurdles, people's behavior and ever changing situations sometimes make me feel so hard to cope but I told myself, 

"one step at a time. Slowly but surely". 

Somehow it helps and I'm glad that I made it through. ❤️

...

Oh wellss. 2022 is a good experimental year for sure.

Time to find balance for the following:

-intro-extroversion.
-being occupied vs letting emotions taking over.
-giving vs reserving.

/finger crossed/

Alrighty folks, gloomy melancholy emotions aside, this year is definitely a year of touching reunion with my family and friends at home. FINALLY the border has opened. I still remember watching touching video of Malaysians walking over to Johor immigration at midnight via the bridge after the announcement. /wipe side tears/

And my dog! Did you know that I have a doggie at home now? Hehe. His name is Xiao Hei. I've grown so much love towards this little being although it was just a short couple of meet ups. He hasn't seen me and didn't know my presence at all. However his heartwarming pawshake and tail wagging always warm my heart whenever I make a trip home. ❤️

That's Xiao Hei right there, top right of the collage. 😊

Wait, did I mention that I was sick frequently but for short period this year? Sore throat x2, episodic diarrhea x2, bad menses cramps yada yada and I'm still a covid virgin? HAHA ✌️ idk how that works. It's just so strange yet I'm so thankful at the same time!

And the acute minor low back pain I suffered due to improper muscle engagement during backbend yoga was an eye opening experience for me. I didn't realise I strain it until the next day. The ache and pain at the lower spine whenever I stand was.. horrendous!

Which is why it's so so important to listen to your body and recognising your capability. Activate your core and squeeze your glutes. They help. Your lower spine will thank you!

But that experience itself did not hinder me or traumatise me to continue yoga. I was speaking to a kind friend, who's also my yoga teacher. Attended his virtual lesson, also a backbend class but this time round I was listening to his cues very attentively and flowed at my limit. My lower back instantly felt better the next day! thank the good Lord.

I injured and healed through yoga. How ironic that sounds!
Every healing and recovery process is wonderful and I appreciate all of it. 🙏

Speaking of yoga, I've been practising rather consistently. Besides attending physical lessons, I also made time for virtual classes because I'm used to it and it's quite affordable compared to all the physical lessons.

I had goals, for sure. Hence I keep practising even after class. Recorded myself, reviewed myself and laughed at myself. Most importantly I look at my own body alignment and question my teachers if I have any doubt. That's how I learn and improve I guess. 

My proudest achievement is definitely getting to headstand within 6 months after a series of continual discovering and practising. Hip hip hooray! 🥳

Now moving forward I can actually do headstands' variations! I am seriouslyyyy not sure how I did it but the exhilarating and happy moment was unreal!! :')

Even my core strength and back bend (especially forearm wheel) has improved so much!
Hehe I think the best part of all these achievements is that I don't feel pain/ache in any parts of my body and I am free from injury. That's a good indicator that I'm on the right track and I can continue to practise safely. 😊

Now my next target is on hamstring and hip flexor flexibility, albeit it's gonna take a really long time but I really can't wait for my transformation the following year. Front and side splits are my ultimate goals. Not to forget unassisted handstand and pincha too. I'm gonna get those done and right. One step at a time. Double fingers crossed!

..
On another note, I'm so glad to be away from work for a while. Finally stepping into education again, a plan I've wanted to achieve 2 years ago. 

Feel a little strange to be a student again at this age. My last active studying was 5 years ago. 😮

Nevertheless it's good to make the neurons active again. Learning has been great and fun so far! But chasing after the endless assignments is not. No lie, it consumes so much of my time that the only time I think I'm breathing well (and totally stress free) is during eating, showering and sleeping. 😂

Welcome back to student life eh pk?

Oh before I forgot, I'd love to mention that I finally travel after 2 long covid yearsssss!
It was at somewhere near, at Semporna, Sabah. I had amazing time enjoying the breathtaking blue-est sea and interacting with mother nature. Semporna islands are pretty similar to the majestic popular Maldives and I'm so glad I get a small taste of it at my homeland, Malaysia. :)

I had my first snorkeling experience in a big blue sea , my first solo kayak and my first luxurious resort stay at a beautiful place far far away from the city.

I don't think I'm gonna blog about it because I have no time, haha. But I did briefly talk about it at my ig! Feel free to browse whenever you feel like it and at your own leisure time!

And to end the year, I had another luxurious, relaxing staycation (sponsored by coughs-my workplace-coughs), it was absolutely chilling, unforgettable and amazing with a great companion and I wouldn't want to have it any other way. It's something so precious and I will cherish deeply.

All in all, I'm contented. Although I felt sucky a lot of times. It's still a learning curve year, finding pieces of myself again.

I've learnt to distance myself from extremely toxic individuals who took me and my kindness for granted. I've learnt to treasure my close circle even more, shower them with strength and love, expressing my care and concern towards them whenever I can. Because I feel, every fleeting moment is so precious. I didn't want to miss out any opportunity to say I miss them/I care for them. Oh dear that sounds so cringey! but yeah.

I've also learnt to be someone who is less dramatic, more problem focused, less dilly dally, more straight to the point when it comes to facing a crisis.

Being someone who is somewhat similar to life "workaholic" I've really learnt to stop once in a while to rest. Or just spend really quiet quality time with my closed ones. 🥰

I guess that's all, mates! I feel so much better, typing all out. 😊
I don't know what's ahead, let's take things as it comes. Doing my best in everything, finding balance, stay healthy, not taking too hard on myself when things doesn't happen as wished/hoped/dreamed/planned, staying persevere, level headed, positive, strong and kind. 

Whoop, that's a lot there. 😂

Let's roll into 2023 with fireballs of strength and positivity, honey. Have a blessed 2023!!

January is tough,

Not gonna lie. First two weeks were pretty overwhelming. I have never really felt what I am feeling right now - a mixture of all feelings.

Confused. Angry (a few days back). Frustrated. Demotivated. Melancholy. Tiring. Hopeless. Moodless. Anxious. Easily sensitive. Stressed. Missing people. Worries. Messed up. Overthinking. All over the place. Heartbroken (of hearing a few sad stories). Mindbroken. Physically damaged (zits, zits everywhere!). Biologically haywire (not sick or anything, just irregular menses). Emotionally challenged. Mentally numb. Stuck. Lack of interest in socialising. Feels like shutting myself out of the world.

Basically I am just not feeling myself, at all. And it sucks. So so much.

I remember January started off with continuous downpour. I figured it must be God's blessing for the general sad 2020 that happened so during the first week, weather has been the chilliest, most likely the best weather I've ever experienced in a country with equatorial climate.

2021 started off pretty well but as the days go by, I started to feel all kinds of feelings in accumulation, each day. I am usually not easily affected and it takes me a while to ward off such negativity and toxicity but I think I was feeling a bit too overwhelmed at some point which I don't know why..

Maybe too much happenings/stressors at a time?

Let's see..

    I remember contemplating whether to take the covid-19 vaccine as there were some reported side effects that wasn't great to hear. (you may think that I'm silly to even contemplate about it as others who want to secure the vaccine badly don't even have the chance to choose) But then again, if I don't take the vaccine, chances of me going back home/travel again would be very slim so I have no other choice.

...

    Recently, my homecountry is undergoing lockdown 2.0 which they called it MCO 2.0. Good for them actually, but for the leaders to finally announce and implement lockdown after so many thousands cases that spike daily and exhausting my fellow healthcare friends who all work so tirelessly at the hospital everyday -actually made me furious. I've been hearing my best friend telling me how bad the situation is in the hospital, patients are deteriorating quickly, beds in ICU are running out. And people are still FREAKING GOING OUT WITHOUT MASK and do not adhere to the SOP, how is that not frustrating you tell me?!

With all the political dramas that happened during the pandemic, my country is pretty messed up currently, governed by leaders who strangely we did not vote for and with all the "State of Emergency" taking place suddenly.. I'm wordless, man.

Last week,

a patient's dad/ me

Are you Malaysian?
Yes I am, sir. Are you?
Yes I am. My wife and I are Malaysians. I'm sad to hear on what happened to Malaysia currently.. Malaysia is such a beautiful country, rich with nature and good food! It is truly a heaven.. but look at what happened now..

I hear you, sir.. It's truly saddening to know the country we loved is experiencing a hard time right now. :(

Both sighed.

....

A lot of you asked me,

"When are you coming back?"

"Are you coming back for CNY?"

Looking at the situation, how can I head back? That's the saddest question which I WISH I can give an answer to.

Anyhoo, don't take it so lightly and don't think the virus is nothing, my fellow Malaysians. You may not know the consequences of this pandemic until it hits you. Until it attacks every of your lung cells, until you experience the extreme shortness of breath to the point you need a machine to help you to breathe, or worse you need medicines and machines to help your lungs, heart, and kidneys to function. Trust me, I had been there nursing patients like that in full PPEs and that sight is heartaching. And your family members cannot come to visit you, touch you, be there with you if anything happens to you when you're hospitalised and isolated in isolation rooms. It's really really sad.

So please. Please just stay at home, work from home, travel out for groceries when it is really necessary, wear your face masks, practise social distance and practise good hand hygiene. Please don't be negligent about it.

....

    Work has been great thus far, not complaining but sometimes I feel demotivated to go to work. I've been working and working- non stop for the past one year, only took one week of AL last year, keeping the rest of the leaves for this year, hoping I could utilise them to visit home.

Don't get me wrong, I enjoy what I do daily. I enjoy nursing and helping patients with my knowledge and skills but just sometimes it feels tiring. It feels like I haven't really taken a proper break, pampering myself, travelling (the best I did was to travel within Singapore) and adding on to missing family and homecooked food I guess that explains..

Generally, I would say.. above mentioned feelings are no big deal. Really.

Just not too sure what happened to my brain and mind that I suddenly undergo all of them at one shot, feels like I'm intoxicated with so many things and I'm learning to cope and go through day by day, hoping to feel better and chirpier.

It's so important to stand strong with my values/directions and stay focused but I have to be honest, it is so so hard. ugh.

Let's take one day at a time, make peace, let go whatever that bothers and not to be too hard on yourself. 

Time to plan what to do on your coming off days and potential annual leave days, PK.

Remember, 

"you may not be easy today but you're not going to be difficult forever."

Hang in there! 💪❤️

Growing up ;

What does it feels like growing up?

Sucks, challenging yet exciting/thrilling at the same time. But in my case, exciting > sucks. Let's talk about the suck-ish part, shall we?

The not so nice things about growing up is as you age, you will recognize who your true friends are (after you have been friending with them for years). You will get to see their true colours (the not so fancy side) and things changes. There will be countless broken promises and you'll realize that some people are meant to stay only temporarily in your life (to deliver you some life lessons), not a lifetime.
Also, you will get to see the more of the ugly side of the society, you will get to see the reality of the world more clearly and in a broader understanding. Not to mention, you will meet all sorts of human beings : judgmental, busybody, sarcastic, hypocrite, immature, irresponsible, rude, cruel, and heartless people.
You will often question yourself a thousand millions of why(s) and still don't get the reason until you reach a certain stage.

...
As your age rises, it means that you have to be aware that your sense of responsibility increases, too. No more depending on parents, no more depending on whoever to get things done and some times even when you are helpless, you have to settle everything by yourself. 

You have to go through several interviews to secure a scholarship/job, go through several online applications for your future studies and you have to go through all kinds of documents/typing/beautifying your CV/etc to get the things that you want for your future. You also have to be ready to receive rejections and be prepared with back ups and what not!

Are you scared now?
That's the challenging part of growing up as a person I guess.

Well on a positive note, as you grow another year (I refuse to use older) awesomer, you will discover something new about yourself in every situation/person you meet. You will be lost manymanymanymanymany uncountable times, you will be dissolved in different kinds of problem and in the end, you will somehow find a solution to the problem. From there, you will know where are you and where do you stand (your ability and capacity, in another word).

If you are lost, you will eventually find yourself no matter how many uncountable times you are lost or confused.
Trust me, the feelings are just wonderful.
And then as you move along, you start to have a collection of your favourite things, values and style, deleting the not so likeable things and eliminating the style that doesn't define yourself as a person. 
You will attempt a lot of things to test where do you stand in the society, you will experience many different types of 'dating' world/ observing others' to identify what kind of other half you'd like to have in life, and many many more.



"You also give yourself the opportunity for introspective & adventurous experiences of singledom, allowing you to learn more about yourself"




Besides, as you are more knowledgable, you will know more about your rights and will start to protect yourself from those who are trying to violate or harm your rights. You'll start to manage things alone, living an independent life, having your own financial account, spending what you earned, not depending on anybody anymore.

Basically, you stand on both of your feet.

...
When I was twelve, I told myself, "Live life to the fullest, self! You only go through form 1, 2, 3 once! Enjoy to the max before PMR"

When I was fifteen, I said, "Time flies. Enjoy every moment before high school ends!"

When I was eighteen, I thought, "Hey, there is only one and a half year at college. Make everyday counts!"

When I was twenty, I announced, "Welcome to adulthood! You're officially a part of the twenties club! Live everyday as though as it is your last. Especially before 23!"

Because I solely think that when I turn 23 later, I am officially old.
Now, it has already passed 12.00 am and I am officially 23? Nope not yet. I will be officially 23 years old 8 hours later, to be exact, following the reported time at my birth cert.



"your 20s are a crucial time period that allow you to explore who you really are and what you want."


Well I don't know why I have such mindset that 23 is old 23 is old. Maybe it's because of the odd number, which tells me that 23 is no longer a junior age compared to 22, 21 or 20 which are like.. pure innocent young adult. 
It is just like turning 13 ten years ago. A transition from primary school student to secondary student. Uniform changes, puberty strikes, yada yada.

Let's be realistic. 
Being 23 means there is a greater responsibility, the beginning of my research year (oh my god), a far more matured thoughts, a stronger values (patience, kindness, consistency,  endurance, honesty, optimism), and more attempts in stepping out of comfort zones.
I guess I should stop having the 23 is old kind of mentality because it is not good! At all. It affects my thoughts, my perceptions, most importantly, my oomph!

Irregardless what age we are, it is just a number. Live well and enjoy ever process as the clock ticks. Yes, you're gonna have transformation in a lot of things - your body, your mind and everything else, it's still a part of life, isn't it?

Looking back, my past 22 years of life have been nothing but amazing with all kinds of bittersweet moments that I am truly thankful for, which makes me who I am today. :)


...
So.. without hesitation it's time to say....

)

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, SELF!

Be the best version of yourself every single day, loving and living life to the fullest! Spread love, kindness and positivity! Must not forget to be always be humble and be grateful no matter what circumstances. Don't stop learning and discovering yourself, be proud of each step you take towards where you are heading ;)


P/S : Thank YOU all wonderful human beings who have been part of my life, still staying in my life and those in the future who's gonna appear in my life to shape me/mould me to a better person. I love you all to the moon and back.
PP/S : Thank you mama for having me in your tummy in a transverse position, making you having a hard time which then you had to go through C-sec to welcome me.. I am truly touched by your patience and endurance! Thank you :')
PPP/S : Thank you to Papa's sperm for fertilizing mama's ovum from the (R) ovary to produce such a cute, chubby child like me :P Hahaha #perasantime well long story short, thanks to you both!
PP/S : Such a weird birthday post, I know! Hahaha anyways, cheerio!


xx

Safe Haven?

Honestly speaking, I have never felt so accomplished after I finished reading a good book. Especially when you finished reading in less than 12 hours.

Notes : Quoted lines with Verdana (font and bold) are some of my favourite lines that I picked from the novel.

A book worth 4.9 out of 5.0 from me with special mixture of themes definitely deserves a soft spot here, in my blog.
I have always thought that all Sparks's books must be romantically touching with some sadness in between or at the end. Or the usual male character with war/marine background with long distance relationship or such?

But THIS book (to my surprise), it's nothing related to war, sad love story or religion.
It's about family, love, friendship, kindness, courage, violence, (chronic) alcoholism, power, fear, innocence and imagination. (with very little sex scenes throughout - bonus! less distracting, I mean haha) Well...I can't deny, I love this combo!


The plot started off with a general introduction of the (main) female character, moving on to the (not so important) side characters, then the (main) male character and from there, the story starts. Quite naturally. Actually I like how the plot is twisted with suspense as I read on. It didn't bore me at all! 
Truthfully speaking, introductory part is always the slowest part and it gets me a while to get used to the characters and their roles and once I am familiar with it, (BUMM!) the suspense creeps in slowly, in different forms!

"Giving voice to the truth of her past meant opening the door to the future." 



There are 2 different kind of suspense Sparks is trying to put in here. One is romantically suspense, y'know the usual adrenaline rush in every romantic book you read. Two is the kind that will make you criminally ill, in which you'll start to worry whether the devil will kill the good character/the innocence or the otherwise. Yep. 
These two suspense is slotted in well and I must say, that was a good job done, Mr. Sparks! #clapsclaps


"That's what courage is. If she weren't scared, she wouldn't need courage in the first place."



Somewhere along the themes of family, friends and love, there is a "violence", "power" and "courage" in between, and followed by "kindness" and back to "love".




"I truly believe that while love can hurt, love can also heal."



It's not the typical love story that will make you say, "Ah, love stories like this will only exist in books or movies." This, however (I don't know why) the whole story just felt so relatable and real. Although I was a little taken aback by the "imaginary" ending, it is still possible that things like that does happen in real life.


"No buts.", he said. "because there are none. You see yourself as someone who couldn't get away. I see the courageous woman who escaped. You see yourself as someone who should be ashamed or guilty because she stopped it from happening ever again. Not many women have the strength to do what you did.."


And I must admit, I absolutely love the courageous, strong and independent characteristics in the female character. Although she was quite stupid in the past, to be blinded with abusive love (well that is why love is blind), I am glad that she made the decision to leave and fight to love herself more. 
In this book, the main male role is (of course) the man of one in a million. I simply love his sensitive character in the novel. I like how love, believe and simplicity shape him into an understanding and kind human being that I think man like this still exist in this real world but too bad, it's kind of really really rare these days. #ohtheregoesmydescendedhope

but I swear that I'm gonna marry this kind of man, someday....... ..............(hopefully.)


I guess the man's genuine heart and simplicity (in this story) melt my heart every time I read. Not to forget, those heartwarming lines from both characters makes me smile from ear to ear as I flip the pages. <3
On the other hand, the violence part in the story was pretty good. The effect of chronic alcoholism and mentally ill thinking are quite scary sometimes. It was quite well described and it stimulates my sympathetic nervous system every single time there is a negative intention of the devil in this story.


And....... that's about it! Will definitely place this book together with 'Jane's Melody' on my bookshelf so that I will know that these are the books that I won't mind rereading again and again.



"It had my heart racing by just sitting here, reading it. When a book does that, then you know that it's a good book." :)




xx

Distract yourself for your own good ;

Fact number one : I get attached to someone (both gender) very easily. And it's pretty hard for me to detach once I get close to someone.

Which is quite annoying, because I'll be sad and all then  sooner or after, we'll be just another hi-bye-we-do-not-see-often-anymore-kind of friends. And that is why a quote mentions, "Some people come to your life as a blessing, some come as lessons. Some stay, but some leave."



Fact number two : I get influenced easily by my mood. When my mood is not going towards the positive door, laziness strikes. Which then lead to boredom and procrastination.

That is bad. Really, really bad. It sucks to know that you do things mostly according to your mood. #sademoji
Whenever I try hard to cheer myself up, to brighten up my upset mood, to finish up the (currently) pilling up assignments yet I just couldn't stop doing something else and daydreaming about my non-nursing electives which is going to only happen next year. #smackself
Nonetheless, I thank God for the existence of my mp3 and a pair of earphones. That distract me from dreaming for a while, at least.



Fact number three : When I am adapted to a new life and new environment, I feel reluctant to leave. Simple because of the memories made I guess.

Which explains I am clearly overly-attached to things. #shakeshead No good, pk. It is no good!



Fact number four : I need to always keep myself occupied, set many achievable and realistic goals to keep myself straight and focused. Otherwise, if unnecessary thoughts creep in, I'll be in deep deep trouble finding myself again.

Music. Movies. Outings. Happiness project. Volunteering. Read. Spread love. Photography. Explore new things. Focus on improving.

instead of facebook-ing, instagram-ming, and internet stalking.
I think I should restrain myself from using all these social medias one day. It actually feels good to disconnect for a while.


Anyway learn to distract yourself for your own good, self! 

Stop putting any hopes on non-realistic and not going to come true, dreams. Stop hunting, let it be. Always believe in actions rather than words and promises. Learn to let go things, learn not to be too overly attached. Learn that no matter what, people/things always come and go.


Learn that, each second as you live is very precious so enjoy the present and appreciate what is around you.


And, be kinder to everybody every day.

xx

Thoughts that speak my mind ;

"I’m Only 22, I Don’t Want Someone Else To Be My Whole World.

I am a firm believer in true love. I do believe that there is someone out there for me who will eventually sweep me off my feet and make me wonder why I ever settled for anybody else. There is a man out there for me who I will celebrate countless anniversaries, Valentine’s Days, and birthdays with. There is a man who I will be able to get through any fight, long distance, or hardship with and know that nothing will ever change. There is a man out there who I will share an unbreakable bond with held together by the deep desires of love.

But, not today.

I don’t want someone who I “won’t be able to imagine my life without.” I don’t want someone to “have my whole heart.” I don’t want someone to be “my whole world,” or “my rock,” or “my better half.” I don’t want somebody who can understand me better than I can understand myself.

I want to feel whole. I want to be my own rock, my own anchor, my own soulmate. I want to understand myself better than anyone else can. I don’t want to look back and hate myself for altering my future for someone else when I know I wasn’t ready to.

That’s why I don’t want to find the man I will love forever today. Or tomorrow. Or the day after that.

I have dreams. I have plans that only involve myself. I’m at a pivotal point in my life where I get to decide where I go from here. I can travel, move across the country, and make stupid spontaneous decisions, just because I can. As of right now, there is nothing holding me back from where I want to take my life – well, having a bit more money may be nice, but, I’ll figure that one out eventually. I don’t want to find my true love yet. I’m not ready to settle and I’m not ready to alter my personal plans for someone else. The only thing I’m ready for is to discover where my life takes me post-grad. I’m ready to move across the country. I’m ready to make new and beautiful memories with people that I’ll meet along the way. But, I’m simply not ready to fall in love again.

As my college career is coming to a close and I’m starting to find out what I want for my life, I’m starting to realize that I never want to fall for a guy who I consider my “better half.” I don’t want a better half. I want to be whole. I want to consider myself and my happiness as more important than a relationship I will ever be involved with. Does this make me selfish? No. This makes me able to know that I can and will be happy alone, no matter how many heartbreaks will come my way.

I want to imagine my own life. I want to be able to navigate through life’s exciting opportunities and devastating disappointments independently, and if and when a guy decides he wants to join me, I’ll still be able to have the peace of mind that I can do it alone.

Many of you may read this and view me as a loner. Or maybe you’ll think I hate the idea of love. Believe what you wish, but neither of these assumptions are true. Like I said before, I can’t wait for the day I find my true love. I can’t wait to be able to look a guy in the eyes and say “I love you,” and know that it means “I love you forever.” I can’t wait for a guy to love me, challenge me, and support me every day for the rest of my life.

I’m 22. I have too many stupid decisions to make before I decide my fate. I have the rest of my life to find the guy who gives love a whole new meaning for me.

That day will come. Just not today."

Truly and surely. Thank you, Beth Cormack for speaking half of my mind in this article of yours. :) 

Don't stop ;

Oh hey blog! Feel like blogging today so here I am :))

Semester break is coming to an end! One more Sunday and sem 5 is starting the day after. How time has passed so quickly! My holidays was alright, spent mostly with family although I secretly wish that I can spend equal time with my college and high school friends too :)

Recently, I have gotten feedbacks, a lot of them. Good, bad, etc. Some even made me rather confused, to be honest.

However I have read a very wise quote from someone whom I respect,

"Your examination results is not the main determinant of your success and future endeavors. Yet your attitude & behaviours in life is the key of your success in the future."

It's so true, isn't it?
I have planted a goal before I came to uni. A not so ambitious but achieveable goal.
But when I faced failure (in semester two) and somehow develop some love in what I am studying now, I asked myself, "Why do you always want to set an achieveable goal?"

I question further, "Why don't aim high then achieve higher?"
That caused me to change what I have set in the first place.
When I read the quote again, I agree so so much, but then when I think again, the (quite) possible/impossible aim that I have newly set is not really very much about the results, it's because I want to prove to myself that hard work, determination, never give up spirit (and of course a good set of attitudes) does bring many good outcomes if I start early and it certainly will benefit my coming future. Besides, my A-level achievement was a total disappointment, I am certain that I do not want to let the history to repeat again.

So I told myself with a determined heart, "At least for once, make yourself proud. Along the journey, enjoy every moment to the fullest."


Yet, thank you again for the encouragement. I am truly, very grateful!

:)


xx

A letter to

dear self,

Soon enough, you're going to lead the team. A team of 7 human beings, including yourself that is.
You have known yourself, your flaws for 22 years, I am sure. What more that you had been in the similar position years before. Let's count (moment of silence). 5 years back?
Yes. Things back then were different. Thoughts was not purely matured yet, management and leadership skills was not fully molded yet. Though, you had experience, that does not mean you are better and know better. That does not mean you can be egoistic and be extremely proud of yourself. Nope.
Rather, take this as a whole new experience again, to shape yourself and make yourself a better person. Take it truthfully to your heart.

Ask, if helpless. Ask, if unsure.
Do not be defeated by harsh, negative comments. Shake away and smile. When you face trouble, always share the burden, not handling and hugging the problem by your own.You are also a human being who is equally imperfect as the others. When things don't go according to your wish, take a chill pill. Always learn to be patient during tough times. Learn to take a deep breath and think, rather than throw tantrum. Learn to sit down and gather all your thoughts, then conclude 'em into firm actions. Do not disregard others' opinions. Even if you can't make a decision out of so many suggestions and ideas, seek for the wise and have a clear conclusion for yourself. Also, do not invite arguments for unnecessary, ridiculous reasons. Leave the frown in your forehead, ditch negative emotions and start searching for solutions, rather than sit and rant. You can always have your moment of frustration, but please, do not allow this to eat too much of your time.

Speaking of time, you must constantly remind yourself about time management. Manage and plan well, self. You might be involved with multimillion activities, but do not take your academic too lightly. Besides having fun, always come back to your core goals. 

Soon, you'll be a role model, not only among your colleagues but also to people out there in the society. Set a good example and continue being that good example. If you want to be great, be great that lasts permanently.

Remember, we are all life learners.

Inhale positivity, fill yourself with confidence, learn as much as you can throughout the experience and always stay humble. :)

xx

Just an instant thought ;

Nowadays, I'm blogging as though as I'm daily tweeting. Bzz

Anyhoo, just a simple confession from yours truly :

I ABSOLUTELY LURVESSS how people can 
express themselves so beautifully in words! 

:)

I like to read other people's (strangers/people whom I follow for a long time) blogs. Whether it is an emotional/personal/thoughts kind of posts, wordy or not, it doesn't matter. As long as it is the language that I am able to understand, I like to read them all :) 

Y'know at times, people do write about emotional blog post yet they are able to express themselves so amazingly by just the usage of some words? It's just like reading a novel!

So long story short, blog post that inspires and story that is full of passion and energy makes me a happy reader! 

P/S : I sound like a creepy stalker. lol

xx

Stay calm ;

Sometimes, when things happen.. we tend to act according to our emotions. Very little of us actually stop and think what to do next. Rather, we allow our inner emotions to take control and THAT is bad.

It is because of these mindless acts that make us miss out some of life's most important things and stop appreciating with what we have around us.

Same goes to a rigid mindset that is already there in our brain. When your mind has already decided that, "This place is boring!" or "Oh god, why am I even here because I have nothing to do!".. please, take a deep breath and stay calm. Don't let (your usual) busy life seize you.


When you're at somewhere out of town, take the time to enjoy the scene and interact with people around. Free yourself from time, do nothing at all and relax.
Stop connecting the internet for a day, stop being so concern about people's life through Facebook, stop reporting to twitter of what you are doing and how you are feeling!

Tell yourself that..it is okay to disconnect yourself from the social media for a while.

Enjoy the present, reduce judgments and rants, let go egoism, take a look at the world, and breathe in.

Written by a girl who loves busy life and hates boredom.

xx

"Everyone has a story.
You might think it's not worth telling, but then again, it's a story no one has ever heard. What you do, what you say, how you carry the plot, just might leave a mark on someone."

-Jodi Picoult and Samantha Van Leer.


True, everyone has a story. However, not everyone has the same points of views about the story. For example, from my perspective, I'd think this, this and this. From the second point of view, you/you all might think that, that and that and from the third point of view, he/she/they might think of those, those, this and that.

So for YOU to be at MY perspective, it's not easy. Because YOU might have your personal values and beliefs which is different from mine. For instances, maybe YOU think it is right to spend more time with family rather than friends. On the other hand, I might think that it is right to spend equal time with family and friends because they are both equally important to me. Whereas THEY/some might think that friends are the most important of all, if there is no friends they wouldn't have become who they are now, other than family of course.
The different in opinions go on and on, just for one story. 

If you ask, how does mutual understanding meet then?
I'd say there is a bridge in between all these thoughts and point of views.
Those are.. Listen. Respect. Learn. and Appreciate.

LISTEN (sit/calm down and listen.) what people has got to say about it.
RESPECT that everybody has different views/stories and also different ways to express them.
LEARN if that is what makes you realize that, "Ohh, this is something new to me." "Oh, how come that never came across my mind before?" "Ohh, now I get it."
APPRECIATE (whether you have/have not learnt something new, appreciate.) because it takes courage to express how and what you wanna tell to people. It takes guts to deliver your message to people, to let them know what you think.

It still takes time to reach the understanding process but at one point in life, you will.
Because now, (for example) YOU will never understand how I feel until you go through the experiences that I went through. Similarly, I will never comprehend how you take a certain matter so lightly unless I am at your shoe.


Y'know sometimes, during the growing process.. I will come to a point where I understand a certain process, of why it happened and why the person made that decision. I'll be like, "Ahh, now I know why!" or "Ahh, now I understand!"
It feels good when you have reached the understanding stage.
But in certain situation, you will (still) can't figure out why and you're totally clueless of what you can do since what you're supposed to do has already been done.

For example in giving health education, no matter how many times you have remind your patients about the do(s) and don't(s) list, no matter how many times they verbalized understanding, if they are not compliant to what you say, you seriously have no control for that. You have already done your best to include all the information that they need.

Yep, there is definitely a lot of frustration, I know. But sometimes, it's just that. It's up to them to follow or not (although you have done your responsibility and you secretly wish they will do it and on the recovery track.)


Yet again, life and people are not perfect. That, pk you must accept and understand it thoroughly well.

Fear?

To conquer fear of failing in life,

Firstly : Be brave and bold enough to look and admit your embarrassment/mistakes. When you know where and why you're wrong, you'll start to understand and accept your flaws.

Secondly : Never be ashamed of your mistakes. When you have accepted your imperfections, that's when you will want to try again, and start anew.

Thirdly : Always be ready to make new mistakes. When you're at this point, you're always set for new challenges and new opportunities ahead, ready to commit more mistakes in life.

The more mistakes you make, the more experiences you will get, the better person you are.
Most importantly, don't give in or give up too easily along the process. Enjoy every moment and stay strong until the end.

Lastly : Conquer fear instead of letting it to swallow you up! You gotta man up and face it. If not how would you taste success, satisfaction and a better you?

Everyone has their respective flaws, so do I. 
There is always a hidden (most sensitive) flaw in a person which he/she does not wishes to reveal. 
Because afterall, it hurts.
Because afterall after sharing sad thoughts to friends, and expecting a comforting answer in return is not gonna be 100%ly work because their level of understanding compared to mine is just different.


........................
I have been repeating the same old (bad) habit, for years.

For I don't know how many solid reasons I've told myself to stop that bad attitude and temper, it just comes naturally again and again especially when frustration comes along.
And I don't know how many reflections I did to not repeat the same thing again but it always , always fail.


I really don't care what people think, really. What matters is that attitude/behaviour/temper of mine is wrong. Shouldn't have thrown tantrums, shouldn't have let emotions take over everything.
Where is my great patience in this situation, I wonder?
Where is the critical thinking skills in this situation, I thought?

I guess, it has become a 'used-to' habit but NO.
You can change that, self. You can.
It's just a matter of changing it, maintaining it, and always always keep your ego down.



Respect. Mannerism. Patience. Kindness.



You can always object but with good reasons and good intonation. Try to speak at a low tone and professional manner. You always believe that communication solves problem and you certainly do not wish arguments happened due to miscommunication and misunderstanding, don't you?

Think wisely, self.
You are no longer a teen or a child. Rather, an adult who is supposed to think and act better.
Be extra empathy, especially to the elders.

It's always useless to type the thoughts without transform 'em to actions. Don't make fall promises to yourself, again.
Try. Slowly, it's okay.
Try.



Cuz' if you don't, and if time does not permit, you'll never get a chance to be what you wished to be again.

Types of people you see during Valentine's ;

1) Single but silent.
Although they are not in a relationship, they are silent. They are aware and choose to be silent, treating Valentine's day like any other usual day, carrying on with daily activities as though there is nothing special about the day. But deep down, they are either depressed or secretly rejoicing for being where they are now.

2) Loner but...
*posting a photo of themselves with what they are doing or with a pet/stuff/doll/mannequin/whatever and writes a caption : this is how I spend my Valentine's/ this is my valentine date*

OR

*posting a status saying he/she is enjoying the day alone...*


Not sure whether they want to tell the whole world how sad/pathetic/happy they are or just... idk.
Maybe that's how they fulfill the social need of the Maslow's Hierarchy. 

3) Attention seekers #1
Single. Sometimes available, sometimes no. Loves to make people think that they are popular (popular here means, they always get chased after by the opposite gender). Flirtatious, unstable, loves posting attention seeking statuses and photos.
One word to sum it all : Annoying.

4) Attention seekers #2 
In a relationship. Obviously not available, loves boasting about how 'grand' and lovely the day went and loves to talk about how 'wonderful' the boy/girl is treating the another and how he/she can lives without their special ones in a very dramatic, fancy way.
Basically just..
can't
stop
showing
off
and
boasting.

One word to sum it all again : Annoying.

5) Lovey dovey couple.
Now this is common. Holding hands, receiving flowers/chocolates, having dinner together. Appreciating each other, posted photos but not to that extreme type.
It's pleasant reading statuses/viewing photos posted by them :)

6) Silent but secretly sweet.
Some are pretty silent, not the boasting type. But deep down, they do care and celebrate this special day. They just don't post up and use social platform to showcase how their day went.

/awww moment/


7) Sweet. Just pure diabetes!
Now I love this. He/she is trying/making lots of effort to make her/his another happy. By just one caption, one action, one picture or just one bouquet of flowers although they are far away from each other  (especially for LDR-couples). :))

8) Happy and blessed people.
Well, the title says it all. Generally they are happy people! They treat the day like normal days, they appreciate each other every single day without fail. Maybe just a simple activity like dinner/outing/staying at home cuddling/being with each other can just make them feel blessed and happy.

So which category are you in? :P
Well, there's nothing wrong celebrating V-day YOUR OWN WAY, I'm mean it's your freedom and choice right?

Anyhoo, don't take everything for granted.
Treat everyday like Valentine's day, treat your special someone like a gold each day.
Love musn't be limited for only couples, love can be spread to yourself, friends and families too!
Before you try to love someone else, try to give all the love to yourself first? :)


Just another thought. Hee, happy belated Valentine's day/ Single Awareness day!

Xoxo