Frust-

In this house of five, everybody has a role. Unity and harmony will not appear by its own without significant effort by each of them. 

What frustrates her the most is, everyone (except the youngest) loves to display egoistic character no matter what occasion. Together with stubborn trait that is glued in them, how to come together as one, you tell me?

Every single year. she has to deal with this nonsensical (can be solved) matter. Every 365 days she has to hear and bear with heart stabbing questions and answers. And for 16 years she has to overcome all sorts of negative comments, smirks, sarcasms, and hateful intentions from people about her loved ones.

Seriously, guys. Stop it.

The youngest one is tired.
Tired of being the centre of communication for everyone. She is tired of passing the message around, feeling frustrated with the answers (some times) and she has to channel the message to the person who asked the question, leading to even more frustration on both sides. 


The youngest one is helpless.
Sometimes she doesn't know what to do to help to improve the situation. Talk it out? She tried but it was pointless. And she has no one to express the matter to. Because no matter how much she express, the person she expresses to can only listen, cannot help much.


The youngest one wants to be appreciative but is too sad to do so, sometimes.
It is really hard to be grateful especially when you are upset. Sometimes she thought, "if someone does not appreciate your move/action, why do you have to be the one who initiates/do so much every single time? Why must you let your heart hurt even more?"


The youngest one has learnt to be selfish.
Selfish, in this situation means, she has learnt to love herself more than everybody else, to the point that she cares less of people's welfare, etc. Because she thinks that if she waits for people to make herself happy, her heart has already died a thousand million times.
Besides, she even thought of escaping and have an independent life as soon as she can to be freed from all these.
Selfish, selfish but she just can't help it.


The youngest one feels less inspired lately.
Don't know why, (maybe it was due to the recent heavy workload of assignments) she felt less inspired than usual, rant more than usual and feel less positive than usual. But she is glad to come across Dr. Mike's twitter account, which he posted quite a number of positive quotes either from himself or from the internet, it actually comforted her, a lot. Thank you, Dr. :)


Worry not, the youngest child just feels a little down lately, just need a little space to type it all out, not to brag to the whole world of what she is encountering. 
She will be back stronger, feeling more inspired and more positive after this.


She just hopes everything will be okay. 
Strength! 💪


xx

Everyone has their respective flaws, so do I. 
There is always a hidden (most sensitive) flaw in a person which he/she does not wishes to reveal. 
Because afterall, it hurts.
Because afterall after sharing sad thoughts to friends, and expecting a comforting answer in return is not gonna be 100%ly work because their level of understanding compared to mine is just different.


........................
I have been repeating the same old (bad) habit, for years.

For I don't know how many solid reasons I've told myself to stop that bad attitude and temper, it just comes naturally again and again especially when frustration comes along.
And I don't know how many reflections I did to not repeat the same thing again but it always , always fail.


I really don't care what people think, really. What matters is that attitude/behaviour/temper of mine is wrong. Shouldn't have thrown tantrums, shouldn't have let emotions take over everything.
Where is my great patience in this situation, I wonder?
Where is the critical thinking skills in this situation, I thought?

I guess, it has become a 'used-to' habit but NO.
You can change that, self. You can.
It's just a matter of changing it, maintaining it, and always always keep your ego down.



Respect. Mannerism. Patience. Kindness.



You can always object but with good reasons and good intonation. Try to speak at a low tone and professional manner. You always believe that communication solves problem and you certainly do not wish arguments happened due to miscommunication and misunderstanding, don't you?

Think wisely, self.
You are no longer a teen or a child. Rather, an adult who is supposed to think and act better.
Be extra empathy, especially to the elders.

It's always useless to type the thoughts without transform 'em to actions. Don't make fall promises to yourself, again.
Try. Slowly, it's okay.
Try.



Cuz' if you don't, and if time does not permit, you'll never get a chance to be what you wished to be again.

Yesterday was bad. And I expected today to be worse.

Bad because ;

• I turned down something that could change my life. Seriously, with my strong reasons, of course.
• The lecture notes for today were not uploaded to E-learning portal. I checked again before I went to bed. There was NOTHING! (hmmph)
• Worried about the upcoming job on Friday.
• The pressure to go back to uni for semester two. The annoying dress code, the pack timetable, ughh :/
  

Today, it turned out that it wasn't as 'worse' as I thought.

• Lectures today was okay, prolly cuz' the teacher is interesting. I love the way she teaches us! :)
• Met back my classmates. We are back to the crazy-nurses-mode-as-usual ;)
• The upcoming job on Friday issue was surprisingly settled!
• Briefing ended slightly earlier today, was ready to go for frisbee but with no luck, *thunders
  oh you know what happened :/
• Felt bad really.
• But I still am very thankful.

Ah, idk what is wrong with me my mood today. Swing here and there like nobody's business :(

And then, when I came across this at a page,


"Kids never think twice when they wanted to achieve something, they just do it.

As we grew older, we tend to think too much and end up not achieving anything at all. Because we are worried of failure/mistakes/criticism."

So true right!

It hit me.

And it also reminds me.

That we shouldn't be afraid ; to achieve what we want to achieve ; to be confident in whatever we're going to do ; to be stern and firm ; to make mistakes ; to be outstanding.

Buddy's motivational words are inspiring too :)) #blessed

Funny how a song like 'Love' by American Author could cheer me up in just 3 minutes and 17 seconds.

It's funnier when you've poured everything out (indirectly) in the form of words, it feels even better!

Meanwhile, SEM TWO STARTS TODAY! Time to get back to studies :3

Don't leave me alone ;

Empty. Soulless. Missed.

I'm tired.
I'm tired of working hard.
I'm tired of seeing myself accelerating slowly.
I'm tired of being positive.

I'm tired of reorganising and failing plans.
I'm tired of pleasing others.
I'm tired of saying nevermind.
I'm tired of self-motivating.

I'm tired of constantly telling myself not to give up.
I'm tired of distraction.

I'm tired of life.
I'm tired of. . . just being tired.

Background music : Never Grow Up by Taylor Swift.

LIFE has never been good when it comes to studies. I almost lose myself due to the low-stress-limit that I have within my poor soul. My sleeping cycle is wonderfully out of anyone's mind if you think taking a few hours of nap only at dawn is insane. How did I replace back the rest hours then? Simple ; by climbing up to the most top floor of the library, pick a favourite colour desk and doze off. That easy.

Scary to be me sometimes. You can never imagine the overflow of exhausted-ness over my head.

Le sigh. *sink on the floor

...........................................................................................................

On a brighter note, this site will be renovated slowly. In other words, it will transform into a newly-improved page which you might feel weird as you refresh this page weekly. Don't be suprised if you find it strange-looking once you click the refresh button at the right time. :)

It's time for a matured-looking blog!

Oh-nay-nay.

They said ,

Picture from ;

Of all the searched photos, I found this, which truly describes my current, up-to-date mood. It feels sucks, actually.

Not because of exam, (well it does partly related to that) but it's rather about.. a question.

A question, which was being issued by a friend of mine to a lecturer,

Q : Will you choose talents? or.. hardwork?

A : HARDWORK.
(with no hesitation in his voice.)

Really?

Is that just all?

But why I don't seem to be seeing any of this happening in my life? 

Am I being too impatient?

Probably.

Yes, I'm answering this to myself, just to do some self-reminder, before I go from upset to.. depressed.

Picture from ;

Perhaps, it's not enough. Perhaps, I have been too unwilling to wait. Or perhaps, my speed isn't there to fight with time, yet.

You know, the very important test, this time which I shall name it as trials, for short, is extremely important to me all of us, where THIS trials can determine where we actually stand and how far are we from the grades.

To stand beside A's?

It's hard. Really really hard.

Apart of being worried, I've lost some sense of believe and faith a few hours ago. All of my doubts came rushing and messed me up. How in the world can I study not for exam but for myself?

I've gone from normal to a steady stress level to a complete berserk mode during these last-minute-studies.

Being the good child, I've set a discipline plan for self by not tweeting nor facebooking, to avoid these addictive-distractions and also to stay away from the cyberworld unless I really really need it for urgent cases like assignments. :(

BUT THIS does not indicates that I hold my book where-when-ever I go, memorising facts, studying like a geek. No way,

I do sing. I sleep. I eat. I play. I even daydream for most of the time. Because.. I am a human being too!

Now, who has the dare to say that I go for 24/7 study when I do not appear online? Screw you if that thought has ever came across your mind. :(

I could have listed the negative impacts of exams on human beings, physically, mentally as well as emotionally aspects here, one by one but trust me, it is pointless.

Picture from ;

Replace the phrases "do you keep crying" to "are you being sad".

Regret? 

I can't. It has been a mistake that can't be undone, once again. Soon, all these will be compiled into somewhat called helpful lessons for me to become better later on.

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

I hate being the sooooo unlike-self, who is soooooooooooo emotional to the life I'm having right now.

As Mr. L's current status was about,

"On call 47 days for AS."

Yes, now I'm very aware of that, sir. Thank you for the reminder, and thank you for not stopping to give me that kind of hate-able stares which I really really feel upset about whenever I see you.

.......

As time passes by slowly, I've learnt that things are not meant to be taken too seriously. Be satisfied if you have done your best in trying every single thing in life, and that does not exclude the questions in exam no matter how long it takes. As long as there is some effort being poured, you know that you're on the finishing road, but not reaching your destination just yet.

The being-open-minded mindset within me has evolved slowly from a point of view, to another. It doesn't have to be tolerant only to opinions, it also can be applicable in receiving flaws? or simply the mistakes that human beings made in life.

Just two hours ago, I've done watching a movie called,

which I would rate it 3.0/5.0. 

All I can comment is it is just another average, romance movie. A little bit boring but the sense of humour got me til the end.

What caught my attention was sayings like .. .. .... 

1) I have loved her even when I've hated her. 

Only married couples will understand that one.

2) But I can promise you this : 

I will never stop trying.

At least,

I'm feeling so so so much better after all these words being all typed here. Is self-motivating-case like this scaring you? Tell me bout it. (I hope it's not).

That's pretty much the way I release my moodless feeling, not to any person via phone/text/MMS/videocalls/skype/facebook but to a non-living site of mine, here.

Truly sorry if you've spent your precious time and energy reading all these crappy thoughts.

Meanwhile, I'll be having Chemistry Paper 1 tomorrow afternoon and Physic Paper 1 the day after. Am not exactly sure whether I'll ace them or screw them. But most probably it will be the second choice if luck is not on my side.

Just.. .. .. wish me luck?

Before vs after ;

BEFORE

I lost my book that is filled with self-Chemistry notes. My dearly Chemistry notes that is extraordinarily important at this hour. Grrrrraaahh.

Second, I couldn't find my Permutation and Combination tutorial sheets. Worse still, I don't usually score high for that chapter. 

(=_____=)"

Brrrraaaaahh.

Was frustrated obviously.

So I did some online activities just to release so what you called, tension?

Purrrrrs.

AFTER

~(^.^~)..(~^.^)~

HEHEHEHEHEHEHE.

Literally is smiling right now, while listening to redfm. (randomly?).

Nehhh, after having some laugh over some "sampat" (crazy-insane-funny) statuses, photos and awesome quotes by some random people, I am officially cheered up! xD

HEE.
I can even do this!

"Why fret when you have a life to move on? Restart and smile to the world."
:)

PS : Heading to the library in a while. Dear "Pure Mathematics", please tolerate with my speed and I would appreciate that a lot, thank you.

I am a busy queen ;

For real.

Greetings, readers. I'm here to post some updates about my current life and hope this will not bored you to death if yes please get out of here or to be polite, do click the (X) sign in red at the above RIGHT of this page.

Note taken?

Thank you. :)

So you know, my brother has got himself a beautiful China wife, as stated. 

WELL CONGRATULATION BRO. 

Please get me a baby boy or girl to cuddle with, SOON :P

Life has been super hectic and busy for me! From day one I started my college life for semester one until the end of the day of 2011, even after the New Year. The word "bored" simply can't come out from my mouth as my time is fully occupied 24 hours, daily. 

Yeh, that includes sleeping, eating, walking, travelling, laughing, and so so on.

It was really pathetic to see no new year resolutions being posted here like how I used to do it yearly. 

No, I did not forget to have plans, I just simply don't have the sweet time to blog them out.

Serious.

Well, maybe by this weekend, I hope. You'll see a post about how I spent my new year, together with the to-do-resolutions. Nothing interesting happened but it was at least NOT very boring but somehow enjoyable. :)

If you noticed, I have *counts* THREE previous-to-be-edited-posts pending, left unwritten and uncomplete. (which I'll do it when I'm free). 

I sincerely do not want to miss anything that left a huge impact in my life, which I shall call them as memories. And these memories should be jotted down, so when I looked back,

at least I know, I had something beautiful once before in my life :)

....

The day before yesterday, I came back to hostel RELUCTANTLY, missing my room at Kajang once again. Hence, the study cycle starts again. (oh no)

 

I cleaned the room, without the presence of my roommate, trying to make the room homely and as comfy as possible, telling myself that,

"You can do nothing now but to stay strong, miss independent!"

Wednesday (yesterday) was the first day I went to college to officially start my A2 syllabus. Guess what?

The timetable as usual, is forever hateable. (I hope this word exists somehow)

Nothing's nice at all, when it comes to Wednesday's classes. I'll be having 3 EPIC continuous torturing killing science subjects lectures in the morning and ended with 2-hours-oh-sorry-but-it-is-really-boring-Moral-Education.

Picture from ;

Oh, I wanna swear.

Looking at the timetable makes me feel very tiredddd :/

On the bright side, the lecturers this semester are okay, I suppose. Nothing has really changed except for Mr. Hoo. D:
He's not going to lecture us anymore, not even tutorial or practical! D: D:
I feel sad but at the same time, I failed to be an excellent student last sem during his lectures so serve me right.

SHAKES HEAD.

FAIL, PK FAILL.

Ms. Chong (bio lecturer) has a baby girl now ;) The temporary lecturer that replaced her looked and sounded strict, yet nice. She'll do well in teaching us, I hope?

Mr. Siva is still the old man that I knew, the very nice, knowledgeable man that I respect, NEVER stop stressing us out by making an announcement ;

"We'll be having class this Saturday, you know. Hahaha (laughs alone)"

My immediate reaction was :

What the FREAK! You MUST BE kidding me, aren't you?! *wide eyes

Undeniable, it is a fact. School replacement this Saturday, slap my face please!

All my plans to have a very last time spending one night with grandma, and my Aussie family failed miserably.

GAHHHHHHH. *murders

"There will be exams after the Chinese New Year holidays, which is around February" said the lecturer.

(-____-)

Worse still, I just got to know that I'll have only THREE days of Chinese New Year holidays this effing awesome year. Great news for everyone, I can't hang out with my high school friends anymore.

*trying to chill-self*

The feeling of stress on the first day of college absolutely SUCKS! Although meeting back the people are such a pleasure, but all these shits are really really. . . . . . . depressing :/

Exams are everywhere, I have no idea whether how am I going to cope with my studies this time. *sigh

I need strength, a motivation to make me say,

"Hell, I CAN DO IT. 

I CAN'T SAY I CAN'T BECAUSE I CAN".

Back to the point, time management is still the issue/problem that most of us are having now. Being able to differentiate the entertainment and serious-ness clearly is pretty tough once procrastination has attacked your soul before. Whether or not you're going to be a great student or lazy-ass student this time, it all depends on you, PK.

Work hard for it. 

Please, for your better future.

You know, every minutes that has passed did scare me when I'm typing all this. Heart was pounding real hard when the it was twelve. Nervous sweats were dropping one by one when I heard the non-stop tickling sounds.

Time killed mentally.

....

Anyway, it will be my very last family gathering tomorrow at Kajang. I'll be going back home to meet them after my class. This will be the real farewell and I'll miss everybody which I'm very sure of that. (sad)

Now let me end this post with this ;

Picture from ;

"Do not allow the stress to control you. Control the stress instead."

Signing off ;

At this moment, I feel..

 
......

You know.. the moment when you had worked so hard for a particular subject and the question that came out was easy but all you did was making effortlessly stupid-careless -mistakes, losing at least FIFTEEN marks.

Kidding?

I'm not.

You know.. the feeling when you never score above 60 before for a particular subject, yet your not-supposed-to-do's mistakes destroy all your determination and building up a word call frustration in one second. You dissapointed the subject, your parents, your lecturer, and most of all... ... yourself. Yeah it is basically, a mood spoiler.

(soft sigh)

Whatever it is, the battle is still on. Imma have my last paper tomorrow.

Physics, that is.

PS : Thank you, Wei Jan for the comfort and non-stop motivating words.
PPS : It sounds that I'm making a big deal but it is affecting me, making me feel that I'm losing S by chance, slowly.
PPS : I'll be alright :)

PPPS : KEEEP ON FIGHTINGGGG!! :) :)

If you could intepret how I feel now, I will give you a genius title.

Idle talk ;

By 唯以

Or so called,

GOSSIP

is

bad.

No one can run from this because it's one of the human nature.

Talking bad about people is not good.

Definitely, not good at all.

Come to think about it,

why you judge people by appearance? 

why do you judge people when you yourself doesn't know that person well enough?

where did that right you got from?

I know, 

gossip stab people's heart.

Not only their heart, it would eventually ruin one's image, and reputation.

This came to my thought a lot of times before.

It's countless how I remind myself not to do the same

and to STOP all these negative thinkings.

I.

sometimes

is a

bastard 

who

sometimes 

really need

a big fat tight slap from 

practically,

anyone.

One's mouth can be very poisonous I would say.

Mine's not excluded either.

Very often, I fail to convey one's message properly.

I add spices in sentences.

I have problem using suitable verbs and keywords.

I exaggerate a lot.

I am a friend of dramatic.

Yeh. How bad is that?

Shit me.

At times, I just want to give myself a bitchpunch

for being so effing mean especially it comes to self-expressing.

Did you know that any improper words inserted will create a huge impact no matter what aspect?

What is the wrong with you. What the bullcrap are you thinking?

URGHHHHH.

It is not just bad, its unforgivable in some situations.

Thinking back what has said was really shameless.

Saying the wrong things without scanning them first.

.....

Last night, a heart-to-heart-conversation happened between me and my dearly roommate.

I requested her to honestly point out all my heavy, unbearable mistakes.

She did, we discussed, and talked.

We exchanged opinions, not to mention life lessons.

Secrets were spilled, thoughts were shared.

That open-minded conversation was over-whelming,

which reminded me of

the inspirational quotes/books that I read months ago.

Exactly.

I did apologise via text to basically everyone that (INCASE I make them upset before), 

hoping for forgiveness.

 Now, lesson learnt.

What's next?

Recorrect myself and improve.

 Each and every of you (readers), including me (blogger) shall stop this,

maybe not exactly stop but TRY TO CONTROL YOURSELF.

Try to put yourself in other people's shoes 

before open your mouth 

Censor all the harmful words first before you release them out.

and think THINK THINK of how would it make you feel if you were the person.

No point of regreting what you have done right?

Yesterday will be remained as yesterday.

Today will be remained as today.

Tomorrow will be another new day to begin.

To improve yourself to be someone better in life.

The point is, 

whether or not the person

is willing to forgive your mistakes.

I'm sorry, human beings.

I am also nowhere to perfect.

Because every human has flaws.

I have mine and you have yours.

Forgive me if I did anything wrong that irritate, annoy or distract you and your life.

Forgive me if I happened to boil your nerves with my stupid random monkey acts.

Forgive me if I burned a hole in your heart with my words.

Forgive me if I ignored nor treated you meanly.

Forgive me if I am too loud = noisy.

Forgive me if I hurt you.

Forgive me for every negative things that I did.

My you/yours refer to EVERYONE.

Afterall, this month is all about forgiving people, isn't it?

Once and for all,

Sorry for everything,

maaf zahir dan batin

Since Raya is in another two days,

hence

an early Selamat Hari Raya Aidilfitri to all my lovely Muslim friends!

Have fun celebrating this meaningful month! :)

.....

PS : Actually, I did not really commit anything as huge as elephant's mistakes. It's just I don't think when I talk, which could simply hurt other people's feelings. It's a tiny weeny faults that most people (LIKE ME) does, which isn't very likeable but need to be taken very seriously to avoid further, problematic errors.

xx