January is tough,

Not gonna lie. First two weeks were pretty overwhelming. I have never really felt what I am feeling right now - a mixture of all feelings.

Confused. Angry (a few days back). Frustrated. Demotivated. Melancholy. Tiring. Hopeless. Moodless. Anxious. Easily sensitive. Stressed. Missing people. Worries. Messed up. Overthinking. All over the place. Heartbroken (of hearing a few sad stories). Mindbroken. Physically damaged (zits, zits everywhere!). Biologically haywire (not sick or anything, just irregular menses). Emotionally challenged. Mentally numb. Stuck. Lack of interest in socialising. Feels like shutting myself out of the world.

Basically I am just not feeling myself, at all. And it sucks. So so much.

I remember January started off with continuous downpour. I figured it must be God's blessing for the general sad 2020 that happened so during the first week, weather has been the chilliest, most likely the best weather I've ever experienced in a country with equatorial climate.

2021 started off pretty well but as the days go by, I started to feel all kinds of feelings in accumulation, each day. I am usually not easily affected and it takes me a while to ward off such negativity and toxicity but I think I was feeling a bit too overwhelmed at some point which I don't know why..

Maybe too much happenings/stressors at a time?

Let's see..

    I remember contemplating whether to take the covid-19 vaccine as there were some reported side effects that wasn't great to hear. (you may think that I'm silly to even contemplate about it as others who want to secure the vaccine badly don't even have the chance to choose) But then again, if I don't take the vaccine, chances of me going back home/travel again would be very slim so I have no other choice.

...

    Recently, my homecountry is undergoing lockdown 2.0 which they called it MCO 2.0. Good for them actually, but for the leaders to finally announce and implement lockdown after so many thousands cases that spike daily and exhausting my fellow healthcare friends who all work so tirelessly at the hospital everyday -actually made me furious. I've been hearing my best friend telling me how bad the situation is in the hospital, patients are deteriorating quickly, beds in ICU are running out. And people are still FREAKING GOING OUT WITHOUT MASK and do not adhere to the SOP, how is that not frustrating you tell me?!

With all the political dramas that happened during the pandemic, my country is pretty messed up currently, governed by leaders who strangely we did not vote for and with all the "State of Emergency" taking place suddenly.. I'm wordless, man.

Last week,

a patient's dad/ me

Are you Malaysian?
Yes I am, sir. Are you?
Yes I am. My wife and I are Malaysians. I'm sad to hear on what happened to Malaysia currently.. Malaysia is such a beautiful country, rich with nature and good food! It is truly a heaven.. but look at what happened now..

I hear you, sir.. It's truly saddening to know the country we loved is experiencing a hard time right now. :(

Both sighed.

....

A lot of you asked me,

"When are you coming back?"

"Are you coming back for CNY?"

Looking at the situation, how can I head back? That's the saddest question which I WISH I can give an answer to.

Anyhoo, don't take it so lightly and don't think the virus is nothing, my fellow Malaysians. You may not know the consequences of this pandemic until it hits you. Until it attacks every of your lung cells, until you experience the extreme shortness of breath to the point you need a machine to help you to breathe, or worse you need medicines and machines to help your lungs, heart, and kidneys to function. Trust me, I had been there nursing patients like that in full PPEs and that sight is heartaching. And your family members cannot come to visit you, touch you, be there with you if anything happens to you when you're hospitalised and isolated in isolation rooms. It's really really sad.

So please. Please just stay at home, work from home, travel out for groceries when it is really necessary, wear your face masks, practise social distance and practise good hand hygiene. Please don't be negligent about it.

....

    Work has been great thus far, not complaining but sometimes I feel demotivated to go to work. I've been working and working- non stop for the past one year, only took one week of AL last year, keeping the rest of the leaves for this year, hoping I could utilise them to visit home.

Don't get me wrong, I enjoy what I do daily. I enjoy nursing and helping patients with my knowledge and skills but just sometimes it feels tiring. It feels like I haven't really taken a proper break, pampering myself, travelling (the best I did was to travel within Singapore) and adding on to missing family and homecooked food I guess that explains..

Generally, I would say.. above mentioned feelings are no big deal. Really.

Just not too sure what happened to my brain and mind that I suddenly undergo all of them at one shot, feels like I'm intoxicated with so many things and I'm learning to cope and go through day by day, hoping to feel better and chirpier.

It's so important to stand strong with my values/directions and stay focused but I have to be honest, it is so so hard. ugh.

Let's take one day at a time, make peace, let go whatever that bothers and not to be too hard on yourself. 

Time to plan what to do on your coming off days and potential annual leave days, PK.

Remember, 

"you may not be easy today but you're not going to be difficult forever."

Hang in there! 💪❤️