Lost and found.

I've been wanting to pen down my long overdue thoughts for the longest time. Here I am, typing all of this on the new year's eve.

My last entry was dated on January 2021, expressing my hope for everyone to be mask free completely.

And now we are mask-less (which is already a dream come true), but only when you're in the public open space. You still need to don your mask when you're in a healthcare setting, taking public transport or encouraged to wear one when you're in indoor area.

Good news for the healthcare provider is that they have officially downgraded the cruel n95 mask to normal surgical mask as a must wear PPE in the hospital. *hoorah  

For that I'm thankful. ❤️

...

Well today's journal would be a confused, gloomy one (later on followed by happy jolly ones).
Bear with me, I need to let things out so I can think and rationalise better /well, hopefully/.

2022  has been.. I don't know how to describe but I think it's a transformative year for me. I've become someone fairly new through the smallest littlest way. The whole year swift by so fast to the point I felt like I have not done anything the entire year.

My introvert-extrovert meter has gone slightly haywired. 

Being an ambivert myself, idk why this year I tend to sway towards introversion too much to the point I became cuckoo for a while. 

It's like I rather being at home watching movies/indoor yoga rather than staying out to socialise til' late night unless you're my loved ones or close circle of friends, well then that's another story.

But truthfully speaking, I really enjoy being at home. A lot more in fact.
Resting and recuperating from life especially after a long exhausting day.

However being home too much sometimes feels like being caged. 

Hence on and off I do head out to take a breather, to see the world, to feel the extrovert self again. Yes, I need that balance. Ambivert is strange and ambivert is me. heh.

..

This long-covid normalising year makes me feel so lost at times. Lost because I used to (before 2020) have long term goals of what I want to do/achieve but those plans/goals seems to have crashed in million pieces since coronavirus took over. And now? any long term goals seems to be very scary and daunting. 

So nowadays I make short term goals and plans instead. It sounds more realistic and achievable. Also simply, life's short.

So aside from all the personal changes, I've moved to a new place at the beginning of the year! The process of looking for affordable rooms, strategic location, transport to work, accessibility to the nearest MRT, the freedom to cook, own personal space.. and with the extreme price hike due to inflation or whatever reason.. surely wasn't easy and no doubt stressful. 

But I'm so glad that I have a very kind person to look out with me hence it eased the process.

The completion of moving to a new place took roughly around 2 weeks. Mostly travelled and moved by foot and I must say it was adrenaline inducing. 

Thankfully, all is well now. I'm all good in my new comfort space! :)

Decluttering, recycling, donating, selling and giving away things I don't need have been my favourite routine now. It helps me to realise the big disadvantage of being a hoarder (although I'm not a horrible hoarder) but it does kick some sense into my brain after this experience. 

"Buy things ONLY if you need."

"Do NOT keep things just because it is nice and memorable. 

If you don't use it, give it away".

Yeap that's that.

Also I remember back in 2020-2021 I was feeling kind of gloomy on some days hence I kept myself very busy with many things so I don't feel sad. So that whole period I was really busy building myself up mostly via sports and I really didn't have time to dwell on those unnecessary sorrowful events.

Then towards the end of 2021 I felt that it's unhealthy to live like that because feelings are valid. Sadness and frustrations are all part of the feelings. Embrace them. Cry. Sob. Sigh. And that's okay.

And this year, I let myself feel all of those. 😂
Goddamnit I regret for feeling ALL of those because it sucks, haha. I let emotions took over a lot of times and I have became unwise and think a lot. Gosh, those moments were suffering. I swear it's so hard to live by sometimes. 😅 

don't worry, it's over and I'm okay!

Well to summarise, 2022 is just a whole period of me being confused and lost, finding myself through the missing bits and pieces and I can't believe I am actually experiencing this on my last year being in the 20s. /facepalm/

Too surreal.

Feels like I'm back to my teenage days lulz, maybe this is the adult version?

And with all these minor progressive changes that I'm experiencing, it trains my patience and adaptation skills even further. The outrageous adaptation towards life, work, hurdles, people's behavior and ever changing situations sometimes make me feel so hard to cope but I told myself, 

"one step at a time. Slowly but surely". 

Somehow it helps and I'm glad that I made it through. ❤️

...

Oh wellss. 2022 is a good experimental year for sure.

Time to find balance for the following:

-intro-extroversion.
-being occupied vs letting emotions taking over.
-giving vs reserving.

/finger crossed/

Alrighty folks, gloomy melancholy emotions aside, this year is definitely a year of touching reunion with my family and friends at home. FINALLY the border has opened. I still remember watching touching video of Malaysians walking over to Johor immigration at midnight via the bridge after the announcement. /wipe side tears/

And my dog! Did you know that I have a doggie at home now? Hehe. His name is Xiao Hei. I've grown so much love towards this little being although it was just a short couple of meet ups. He hasn't seen me and didn't know my presence at all. However his heartwarming pawshake and tail wagging always warm my heart whenever I make a trip home. ❤️

That's Xiao Hei right there, top right of the collage. 😊

Wait, did I mention that I was sick frequently but for short period this year? Sore throat x2, episodic diarrhea x2, bad menses cramps yada yada and I'm still a covid virgin? HAHA ✌️ idk how that works. It's just so strange yet I'm so thankful at the same time!

And the acute minor low back pain I suffered due to improper muscle engagement during backbend yoga was an eye opening experience for me. I didn't realise I strain it until the next day. The ache and pain at the lower spine whenever I stand was.. horrendous!

Which is why it's so so important to listen to your body and recognising your capability. Activate your core and squeeze your glutes. They help. Your lower spine will thank you!

But that experience itself did not hinder me or traumatise me to continue yoga. I was speaking to a kind friend, who's also my yoga teacher. Attended his virtual lesson, also a backbend class but this time round I was listening to his cues very attentively and flowed at my limit. My lower back instantly felt better the next day! thank the good Lord.

I injured and healed through yoga. How ironic that sounds!
Every healing and recovery process is wonderful and I appreciate all of it. 🙏

Speaking of yoga, I've been practising rather consistently. Besides attending physical lessons, I also made time for virtual classes because I'm used to it and it's quite affordable compared to all the physical lessons.

I had goals, for sure. Hence I keep practising even after class. Recorded myself, reviewed myself and laughed at myself. Most importantly I look at my own body alignment and question my teachers if I have any doubt. That's how I learn and improve I guess. 

My proudest achievement is definitely getting to headstand within 6 months after a series of continual discovering and practising. Hip hip hooray! 🥳

Now moving forward I can actually do headstands' variations! I am seriouslyyyy not sure how I did it but the exhilarating and happy moment was unreal!! :')

Even my core strength and back bend (especially forearm wheel) has improved so much!
Hehe I think the best part of all these achievements is that I don't feel pain/ache in any parts of my body and I am free from injury. That's a good indicator that I'm on the right track and I can continue to practise safely. 😊

Now my next target is on hamstring and hip flexor flexibility, albeit it's gonna take a really long time but I really can't wait for my transformation the following year. Front and side splits are my ultimate goals. Not to forget unassisted handstand and pincha too. I'm gonna get those done and right. One step at a time. Double fingers crossed!

..
On another note, I'm so glad to be away from work for a while. Finally stepping into education again, a plan I've wanted to achieve 2 years ago. 

Feel a little strange to be a student again at this age. My last active studying was 5 years ago. 😮

Nevertheless it's good to make the neurons active again. Learning has been great and fun so far! But chasing after the endless assignments is not. No lie, it consumes so much of my time that the only time I think I'm breathing well (and totally stress free) is during eating, showering and sleeping. 😂

Welcome back to student life eh pk?

Oh before I forgot, I'd love to mention that I finally travel after 2 long covid yearsssss!
It was at somewhere near, at Semporna, Sabah. I had amazing time enjoying the breathtaking blue-est sea and interacting with mother nature. Semporna islands are pretty similar to the majestic popular Maldives and I'm so glad I get a small taste of it at my homeland, Malaysia. :)

I had my first snorkeling experience in a big blue sea , my first solo kayak and my first luxurious resort stay at a beautiful place far far away from the city.

I don't think I'm gonna blog about it because I have no time, haha. But I did briefly talk about it at my ig! Feel free to browse whenever you feel like it and at your own leisure time!

And to end the year, I had another luxurious, relaxing staycation (sponsored by coughs-my workplace-coughs), it was absolutely chilling, unforgettable and amazing with a great companion and I wouldn't want to have it any other way. It's something so precious and I will cherish deeply.

All in all, I'm contented. Although I felt sucky a lot of times. It's still a learning curve year, finding pieces of myself again.

I've learnt to distance myself from extremely toxic individuals who took me and my kindness for granted. I've learnt to treasure my close circle even more, shower them with strength and love, expressing my care and concern towards them whenever I can. Because I feel, every fleeting moment is so precious. I didn't want to miss out any opportunity to say I miss them/I care for them. Oh dear that sounds so cringey! but yeah.

I've also learnt to be someone who is less dramatic, more problem focused, less dilly dally, more straight to the point when it comes to facing a crisis.

Being someone who is somewhat similar to life "workaholic" I've really learnt to stop once in a while to rest. Or just spend really quiet quality time with my closed ones. 🥰

I guess that's all, mates! I feel so much better, typing all out. 😊
I don't know what's ahead, let's take things as it comes. Doing my best in everything, finding balance, stay healthy, not taking too hard on myself when things doesn't happen as wished/hoped/dreamed/planned, staying persevere, level headed, positive, strong and kind. 

Whoop, that's a lot there. 😂

Let's roll into 2023 with fireballs of strength and positivity, honey. Have a blessed 2023!!